#MyMomIsStrongBecause Happy #MothersDay

Over the last few days at Nuru, we have been posting photos of a few of our staff along with their mom's in honor of Mother's Day. Although my mom is no longer with us, I thought it would be a great way to honor her. I'm grateful for moments like this to pause, to remember, and to consider just a few of the ways she shaped our family and led us by example. My mom was the kind of person people wrote songs about. 

I could list a number of reasons why my mom is strong. She and my dad both worked full-time jobs to afford being able to bring up three children. Just like any mom, she wanted her children to be able to go forward and experience more than her--to have better opportunities, and so she and dad ensured all three of us kids finished high school. All three of us also went on to college as well.

Today, there is a growing movement of women entrepreneurs and women leading businesses. My mom was a pioneer in that regard. Not only was she a full-time employee, but also she started multiple successful businesses (again alongside my dad--they did everything together). My mom raised shih tzu and poodle pups and sold them as one form of additional income. She gave the pups all of their shots, clipped their tails, and for the shih tzu pups also clipped their duclaws. She also raised and sold birds (parakeets, cockatiels, budgerigars, finches, canaries, and parrots). We must have had more than 200 birds during the hay-day of that business. She ran the business, and dad built cages and nesting boxes for the growing menagerie. She used the extra money from the sale of puppies and birds to pay for school clothes and Christmas presents for all of us. 

Mom also taught us kids to be thankful for what we had, and to do our best to take care of it. Sometimes she made clothes for us and for our relatives, and if our clothes got holes in them, she would mend and patch the garments so we could get more life out of them. And, she and dad both encouraged us to do our best in school, and she also encouraged us to learn responsibility by having pets of our own. We had dogs, birds, cats, fish, and rabbits, and we had to share in making sure they were fed, watered, and cared for year round growing up. My mom and dad gave us kids a great example of what a local economy looks like. Every one of us had a contribution to make to the good of the whole household. And each of us kids were made available to do work for our neighbors growing up as well. Each of us understood very clearly that it was our role to contribute to the good of the house as well as to the community. 

Mom was a life-long learner. She taught herself about caring for all of these different species of birds and dogs, and she taught us kids these same skills at the same time. She taught herself how to knit, crochet, and sew, and she would always make sure she had baby blankets available to any other mom who was expecting, and spare scarves and gloves on hand just in case she ran into someone who didn't have any of their own. 

Any time one of us kids was doing something extracurricular, my mom was out supporting us and cheering us on. From choir to basketball and just about everything in between, she would make sure she had time to come out and support our efforts.

But it wasn't just my family who benefitted from my mom's love and support. She extended that love to cousins, neighbors, and any of our friends growing up. My best friend in the whole world, Willie, has two children who are now approaching adulthood. My mom loved Willie as a son, and in the eyes of Willie's children (as well as from my mom's perspective), she was a Grandma to them...and to a number of other children as well. Although she never held any formal positions of leadership, she was a wisdom-keeper, and a care-taker for many, many people. 

Mom was deeply committed to her rich Christian faith, and to her heritage as a Shawnee woman. She and dad both really enjoyed spending weekends on our tribal lands and strongly supported me as I was elected into positions of service in our tribal community. Many of the children of our tribe looked up to her, and she was always making time to listen to them and encourage them. 

She always took time to listen to and encourage us as well.

I remember about a month before she left this earth, I was visiting her in the hospital, and it was time for me to leave. I was driving to Morgantown so I could walk across the stage and receive my master's degree. I leaned over her to give her a hug, and said, "I'll try to make you proud Mom."

She grabbed my hand, and looked me in the eyes with her eyes filled with love and compassion and responded, "Every day you make me proud!"

That's just the kind of person she was. She was strong raising three children. She was strong running businesses and working full-time for very low wages. And she was strong as she stared down death after being diagnosed with cancer. She never let her present circumstances dictate what was possible for her or for any of us. She faced cancer with a smile and with hope. She faced her last hours encouraging strangers, and loving her family. 

All of us really miss her. We each strive to honor her legacy and the lessons she taught us through her strength, her compassion, and her service. I often fail, but I personally strive to be the warrior, the leader, and the servant that I saw her and dad exemplify--and that they believed I could be. 

As a kid, I don't think I ever fully appreciated the sacrifices my parents made to ensure that us kids had more opportunities than they did. But, better late than never. If you have an opportunity today, let your mom, and the world know why your mom is strong. Post online #MyMomIsStrongBecause or just tell your mom how she exemplifies strength. May we each aspire to be the sons and daughters that our moms dreamed was possible, and may we savor those precious moments we have been given to learn from our moms for the good of our own lives as well as the good of the world.

Oh, and that comment about my mom being someone people write songs about? Here's the song in its entirety. So grateful for Willie taking the time to write this and post it on YouTube.

Mom on the Road

Mom on the Road, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

This week has proven difficult for me to blog for a number of reasions, but rather than giving excuses, I will give you one of the myriad things I've been thinking about--my mom!!!

This week, I have had the privilege of spending a lot of time with her. I went home for MLK day, and worked from there Tuesday. Yesterday, I drove to Elkins to look at a fishing cabin that my dad and brother-in-law are thinking about buying. Mom went with them too.

I realized after my last visit I didn't take a picture of my mom, so I made sure to get this one yesterday at the fish camp.

My mom is soooo awesome!!! My dad and I were talking about this fishing camp late last night, and then we started talking about my mom, and how much she means to us. She has been a quiet leader in our family. My dad leads our household, but my mom takes care of everything behind the scenes. Over the last several months, my dad has had to take on many responsibilities that my mom used to take care of.

Last night he said that she was just such a good person, and that she cares for everybody. My mom has a big heart!!! (and so does my dad for that matter!!!) I think they have ingrained it into us kids. But My dad said something truly beautiful about my mom. "She is a good woman."

I agree Dad. My mom is a good woman. And my dad is a good man. I am so thankful for both of them. I am so thankful that they raised me in such big-hearted way.

My mom is so strong, so gentle, so compassionate, and so beautiful. I hope I can bring beauty into the world the way she has over the course of her life.

Do you take time to reflect on the goodness God has instilled in those who are around you? Whose faith and life do you want to imitate?

Five Years

Today marks five years since my mom left this world and journeyed to be with Jesus. The time has passed so quickly. It really feels weird to think about how much my life and the life of my family has changed since she went home to be with Jesus. I wish she could have been around to see it all, and that she was still here with us, but she has gone on to a far better place. She no longer suffers the challenges of high blood pressure, type two diabetes, congestive heart failure or metastatic invasive carcinoma breast cancer. And when I list out all of those challenges she faced daily, it makes it even more impressive she stayed with us for as long as she did. 

In 2007, I cut a significant amount of my hair in honor of my mom, and in 2008, I cut the remainder of my locks in honor of her, and to mourn her loss as per our Shawnee tradition. I’ve not grown it back since. My brothers, Chuck and Willie, both made sacrifices of their locks as well. Chuck even shaved his mustache—a permanent fixture on his face since the 80s. Even Willie’s son Christian shaved his head in honor of my mom. Willie also wrote this beautiful song to honor and remember her upon her passing. It still brings tears to my eyes as the memories come flooding back of her courageous last days on this earth.

I started my first garden the year my mom died. Over the years, I’ve learned a lot through my dabblings in local agriculture, but more than anything, I’ve been reminded of lessons she and Dad taught me about planting, growing, harvesting, and hard work. Of course like any kid, I didn’t enjoy the discipline at the time, but I can look back with immense gratitude now.

And within a month of mom saying goodbye, I began to have serious conversations about global poverty and international development withmy longtime friends Jake Harriman and John Hancox. These conversations along with extensive reading and research on the subject, and much prayer, fasting, and wrestling, led me to a significant career change as I joined my friends as they started Nuru International. I’m grateful that I have been able to deepen my service to others, and invite more people to confront the crisis of extreme poverty in our world. I really wish mom could have been here to see what we have been able to accomplish in the five years since she died, but I am incredibly grateful my dad has been here cheering us on in this work.

And a little over a year ago, I got married. I wish my mom could have spent more time with Jamie. She’s absolutely incredible, and I think they would have absolutely loved each other. They are two of the best examples I know when it comes to compassion and caring for people around them.

And then there’s my sister. She left a ten year job at a doctor’s office to start a new career this year. Not only that, but my sister has become quite the runner. It seems like every weekend she is getting a new trophy or award for her running exploits. Since the year my mom went to be with Jesus, Becky has led our family in participation with the Wood County Relay For Life. Mom was never able to attend—the first year, she was in ICU. Little did we know she would be leaving so soon. And Becky had her own bout with cancer in 2007 too. Just a month after mom’s parting, she had a malignant melanoma removed. She’s a survivor.

Dad was walking twelve miles a day, and riding his bike 20-30 miles 2-3 times per week after mom died. And then in 2009, he had a massive heart attack. It was utterly unexpected. Dad has always been healthier than most people half his age. Since that attack he doesn’t walk twelve miles a day anymore, but he is probably in better shape and eating better than ever before. As much as we kids miss mom, Dad lost his best friend of 43 years. Dad continues to be an example of generosity and compassion to others too. He supports Becky at virtually every race she runs, and he maintains his garden the way he has done for years and gives away significant portions of its bounty.

My brother, well he is still working in the same job, but his level of responsibility keeps increasing. He’s an extremely talented engineer. And he lives and loves sacrificially with his time. He’s up at 430AM virtually every day to drive himself and several coworkers to work and stays up late to make sure dogs are walked and chores are done. And further, his son has graduated high school and is a student at Notre Dame (not WVU, but still not a bad education).

And in the last five years, each one of us has grown in our faith as well as in our service to others. My dad just recently took the steps to join his church and was baptized the same day.

On Mom's last trip to the hospital, my sister, dad, and I spent the day with her, and I left the hospital to drive to Morgantown to receive my MA in English. I leaned down to hug her and told her, “I’ll try to make you proud tomorrow mom.” As I stood up, she looked at me with her eyes filled of compassion, as she breathed deeply from the oxygen tube running under her nose. She smiled and said, “Every day you make me proud.” Those words echo in my mind every time I think of her. She loved each one of us well, and she showed us by example, even during her last days, how to love the people who cross our paths in seemingly random ways.

I wish mom was still with us, but one day we will reunite with much rejoicing. And until that day, we will labor, and dedicate the remainder of our days to love God and love others well, and to work to serve our neighbors both locally and globally. I know that if she were here, she would continue to be so proud of each of us. I know she would be cheering us on alongside Dad, and she would be cheering Dad on as he maintains his health and faith so well.

Wherever and whoever you are, you have an opportunity today to make a choice. You and I have an opportunity each day to pour out a legacy of hope and compassion, to wisely steward the gifts we have been given, to love well, and to live well. And I pray we may live as an example worth imitating as we walk this earth, just like Mom.

Reflection: Remembering Mom Nine Years Later

It was nine years ago on this day that I cut off most of my hair as per Shawnee mourning tradition; one year later, I cut off the rest of it, and have kept it short since. It was just a little after 1PM when my mom breathed her last breath on this earth and went off to be with Jesus. I vividly remember those last hours in a hospital room surrounded by family and friends who had gathered to give one-sided goodbyes. The goodbyes were one-sided because my mom spoke her last words during the evening before. My last two-way exchange with her happened that evening. My last words to her that evening were “Goodnight Mom, I love you,” as I turned and walked out the door to her hospital room. Her last words to me were, “I love you” as I walked out of the room. She loved all of us so well.

In the weeks leading up to her departure, she had started calling me her warrior and my older sister her princess. To this day, when I hear the term warrior, I think of my mom, her battle with cancer, and her bestowing that name on me. She was one of the greatest warriors I have ever known, and she taught so many of us about what service and love look like.

Even during her last days, she was befriending the custodial and nursing staff of the hospital and looking to brighten their days. How she spent those last days was similar to how I watched her spend so many other days throughout her life. She was caring for others and speaking words of potential and hope into everyone. Those last few days, she shared visions with us, and so much joy. Her last morning and afternoon on earth, she was literally surrounded by people who loved her, who were praying with and for her right up to the point she departed this world into the world to come. Even at her funeral, it was less of a time of mourning and grief (although in our family culture we believe in slowing down and mourning in fullness), and more of a time of celebration and joy at heaven’s gain, as well as the fact that my mom would no longer suffer.

It’s nine years later, and as I write, the strong mix of emotions is just as fresh and as potent as it was on that early afternoon in a hospital room. My mom ran her race well and finished strong! She gave each of us who knew her a legacy and an example to which we could all strive to live in accordance—a legacy and an example of honor and compassion—a legacy of hope. I'm grateful that friends like Willie wrote beautiful songs like this one to help others who may not have known her get an idea of who she was. She was the kind of person people write songs about.

When Mom was diagnosed in summer 2006, her physician told her that she had a maximum of six months to live without treatment, and eighteen months with; she went to be with Jesus about 11 months after the news hit. When I talked to her about it she said the main thing she felt was sadness about leaving dad and us kids behind. She loved so much and so well.

A couple of months into her first round of chemotherapy, as her hair was starting to come out, she had made herself some bandannas to cover her head. The people of her church had gathered to pray for her and for another gentleman who had been diagnosed with another form of cancer. She looked that man in the eyes and reminded him, and all of us, “No matter what happens, we win!” That was exactly the kind of hope and faith my mom lived every one of her days with.

Each year, as the anniversary of my mom’s departure from this world arrives, I try to take some time to ruminate over different memories—not just of that last year, but of her whole life. The last months are among the most memorable because it seemed that every single one of those days, we had each committed our lives to living more purposefully. The beautiful irony of that intentionality is that it really wasn’t a significant shift for my mom or for any of the rest of us kids and dad. We lived the years leading up to her diagnosis with the same sense of service, compassion, and laughter—we were just more keenly aware of the limited time we had together after the diagnosis.

And today, as I think back on Mom and all that has happened from that last day with her till now, I am filled with joy and gratitude—her memory reminds each of us to stay on purpose, remember family, and look out for the needs for others. I pray that as the years keep rolling forward, that the rest of us who knew her will continue to live in that same spirit, and maybe that our lives will be a small piece of encouragement to others as well.

Myrrh

Myrrh, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Yesterday was mom's funeral. You know it was so amazing to see so many of my friends come out and show support for me and my family, and to pay a tribute to mom.

My best friend in the whole world, Willie, was one of the pall bearers. Before the funeral service, he came up and gave me a bag with some small stones in it. I asked him what was in the bag, and he said it was myrrh, and that he had been wanting me to have it for a long time to be able to burn at times when I pray.

When he gave it to me I had a couple of thoughts. I took out one piece of myrrh from the bag for my dad, my brother, my sister, and myself. I explained to my family a little bit about the use of myrrh in Jesus' day.

You see, when Jesus was born, wise men from the east brought him gold, frankincense, and myrrh. The gold reflected Jesus's royalty--He is King of the Jews. The frankincense reflected his divinity--He is God in the flesh. The myrrh symbolized his humanity--Myrrh was used in burial preparations for those who passed away. The myrrh given to Jesus pointed to His eventual crucifixion where He conquered sin and death.

My mom is going to be cremated. I suggested to my family that we each place a piece of myrrh on her body, and it would be one last way we could annoint and honor my mom. As she is cremated the myrrh will burn and we will have honored our mom in a very special way. We each placed the myrrh on her body solemnly and reverently before her funeral service saturday afternoon.

As I thought about these special preparations, I realized that my mom was also blessed as my sister, her best friend, and my sister-in-law had a special evening with my mom the last night she was in this world. They took fragrant lotion and moisturized mom's skin with it as they shared a "girls night" with her. I don't think any of us realized what they were actually doing that night. They were preparing mom's body in a similar way to the woman who poured out the spike nard on Jesus. What they did was a good thing, and it deserves to be told again.

We're all going to miss my mom, but I'm glad that each one of us could honor her in some very ancient and special ways. She is a beautiful lady, and we have been blessed to be able to serve and honor her in beautiful ways even after she has departed from us.

May we all remember those who have gone before us, and live faithfully honoring the One who went before each of us to conquer the sting of death and give us victory and life eternal.

Off To Be With Jesus

Off To Be With Jesus, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Yesterday at 1:10PM, my mom left her body on this earth, and went to be with Jesus. My brother had spent the night in her room with her, and called the rest of us to come down because she wasn’t being real responsive.

We came down and sat with her from about 9AM on. We prayed with her and talked with her, and told her how much we will love and miss her. We shared memories with her as she lay there before us. One by one, aunts, uncles, cousins and close friends gathered by my mom’s side and spoke words of love to her. She was sent off with prayers and words of love from so many people. (As I tried to recount this to you, I started weeping because it was such a beautiful experience, and I can’t fully convey to you in this brief blog exactly what was happening in my mom’s presence.)

Her room was packed. People were trailing out the hallway. She was loved by so many people. We’re all going to miss her, but we were all mixing tears of sadness with tears of joy in that room as we spoke to my mom. My mom is with Jesus right now. She doesn’t have cancer, or arthritis, or any number of other ailments that were afflicting her. She has joy unlike any we’ve ever experienced.

Watching my mom pass out of this world and into the presence of God, I am so thankful that we are a people of hope. The gospel allows us to persevere in hope for a day when there are no more tears, no more hunger, and all of the injustice in the world we see will be made right.

My mom is gone, but she has left a wonderful legacy and challenge to us as a family as we attempt to imitate her faith, hope, and love—and to tell others of the joy she, and we, have found in joyful surrender to King Jesus.

I’ve had a great deal of technical difficulty communicating with people over the last day, but I figured I might be able to use this blog as a starting point. Even as early as yesterday afternoon, I started receiving emails, txts, AIM’s, and voicemails of encouragement from many wonderful people. It has been unfortunate that I haven’t been able to respond to everyone’s encouraging words, but I am so thankful for your kindness, your prayers, and your support in this difficult time. It’s beautiful to see how the Church rallies at times like this to love and care for those in need and to bear one another’s burdens.

I know some are wondering about arrangements, and I would like to communicate that through this blog. The details of her obituary can be found by following this link and clicking on Patricia Ann Williams (that's Mom!). You can even sign an “online guestbook” through the funeral home.

I’m tremendously grateful again for the grace God has shown my family throughout my mom’s battle with cancer. As she told a fellow believer when they were both diagnosed—“No matter what happens, we win!!!” Indeed we are more than conquerors!

Thanks for continuing in support and prayers for me and my family. Please forgive me for an apparent lack of response, but I truly do appreciate your comments, emails, AIMs, txts, and voicemails. They are a blessing to both me and my entire family.

Remembering Mom

Remembering Mom, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Today is my mom's birthday. I started thinking about it a bit yesterday. I went to Washington DC to connect with a few old friends and to see WVU play Maryland.

It was kind of a weird experience for me. I took the metro into DC to meet up with a couple of friends, and I got there around 4PM. The last time I was in DC, I went to the Georgetown/WVU basketball game with some friends. As I got off the metro and emerged from the station, I started walking.

I realized as I walked that the last time I was in DC, it was around the same time of day, and in the same place. I remember calling my mom while I was there then. My dad was out walking, and she had ridden her exercise bike like 2 miles that day. We laughed and joked and celebrated her victory in the world of exercise. Times were a lot different.

Yesterday, I felt a sweeping sadness as I walked on the same sidewalks, and thought, "I really want to talk to my mom." There was a farmer's market in the city, and I thought, "I could get her some flowers for a birthday present, but . . ."

So today, I've been kind of sad, I just miss her. Yesterday, my brother and I talked briefly about Mom and he said something so beautiful I want to share it with you. He said that Mom was a little bigger than the average person, and we were often concerned about that being a potential health problem. But then he said that she probably had to have a bigger body because her heart was so HUGE, and that was the only way to contain it.

I think that's the thing I miss most of all. My mom's big heart. I miss the example of Christ she was in so many people's lives, including my own. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face.

When walked around DC, it seemed like there wasn't enough time available for me to thoroughly process all of the emotion I was feeling, but writing this blog has been a start.

In the end, I know she is much better off. She is eternally in the fullness of the presence of King Jesus. Cancer can no longer weaken her huge heart, and she is even more radiantly beautiful than she ever was as i knew her.

I'm thankful for the example she has given me, my friends, and family to follow in loving people. May our hearts, though in different bodies, imitate her Christlike love for people as a way of honoring her and our gracious loving God in whose presence she now lives.

Roller Coaster

Roller Coaster, originally uploaded by Markku_.

I found this photo on flickr, and I believe it represents a strong similarity how we’ve been feeling back here over the last couple of days.

Well, it’s been a couple of days since I could blog about what’s happening here. I’m so grateful for the ability to keep in touch with so many people through this blog. It’s been difficult to stay connected as well as I would like with folks, but this blog certainly helps. In fact, a few folks have left some wonderful comments that have been an encouragement to me and the family.

Overall, my mom is doing amazingly well. We were prepared for her to go be with Jesus the moment we removed the chest tube. Saturday she shared one of the longest and most spiritual monologues I’ve ever heard my mom utter. She shared a vision she had experienced of heaven. We were all deeply moved to say the least. We reassured her that if she felt like going off to be with Jesus we were all going to be ok. She said that she knew it, but didn’t want us to send her off just yet. She said she wanted to stick around a while longer if that was alright. We emphatically assured her it was fine with us!

Sunday, we continued sharing stories, and laughing. I even had a couple of friends come down from Morgantown and offer prayers and counsel for the family. Saturday night, we started a rotating shift of folks staying in the room with mom. We just wanted to have constant care for her. I’ve stayed here two of the last three nights.

Nobody expected mom to respond so well. In fact, the hospital moved her into a “Transitional Care Unit” yesterday. It’s the equivalent of an in-house nursing home at the hospital site for people who are “to healthy to be in the hospital, but not quite strong enough to be at home yet.”

She started a fairly intense PT regimen today. She will be getting assistance twice a day. My brother and I started a log to keep track of medical reports/needs so as we “change shifts” we can make sure that none of her needs are overlooked by the staff here.

So what’s up with the roller coaster? I would say that over the last few days, our entire family has run through a wide spectrum of intense emotions. We still aren’t sure of mom’s status,but we get the feeling that the physicians aren’t quite sure what to make of her either. I think rotating in shifts has been helpful, but we are all pretty tired—which makes me incredibly glad to see how well mom’s doing.

In spite of our physical, emotional, and mental fatigue, we are staying close together and loving and supporting one another through every step of my mom’s journey—we have been together in this since day one. While we’ve all experienced the thrills and the twists and turns of the roller coaster, spiritually we have been sustained amazingly through all of this. Regardless of the outcome too, we are each realizing more and more, the treasure that we have in our mom, and the importance of each moment.

It’s kind of like Jesus said, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” We’ve all been resting and trusting in the Messiah in increasing degrees of the last few days. He truly is our strength and shield. I hope that as you read this you will also take a moment to let Jesus words soak into your mind. In the middle of life’s roller coasters, He is THE Source of stability and strength. May you know His peace in the same richness we have experienced here in our own situation.

Remembering Mom And Celebrating A Legacy

It's been exactly ten years since family and friends were called to say our final goodbyes to my mom as she fought tenaciously for ten months in a battle she finally lost to stage four breast cancer. As I think back to those last few days with her on this earth, there was so much of who she was becoming being manifest to each of us. She was looking forward into eternity and encouraging us with every step as her time in this world was drawing short. A few days after the announcement had come that she had a maximum of six months without treatment and a maximum of 18 months with treatment, she shared with one of her fellow church members during a time of church-wide prayer for their healing, "No matter what happens, we win!" Her attitude was infectiously positive even in the middle of trying circumstances. She always set her sights on what was possible and encouraged others to do the same in every aspect of life. She was the kind of person that people write songs about, and in fact, my best friend in the whole world, Willie, did just that.



My mom left this world at age 61 after 43 years of marriage, but I can't really bring myself to say that she died. As the philosopher Dallas Willard has said, "We are each unceasing spiritual beings with an eternal destiny in God's great universe." And as another philosopher and writer C.S. Lewis has said, "You have never met a mere mortal." When my mom left this world to be with Jesus, we mourned her departure, and celebrated the small part of her life we witnessed. And in those few years from then until now, I believe that each of us who knew her has tried to imitate her faith. You see, we can't live our lives in exactly the same way, but we can be imitators of the faith that we witness in those around us and those who have come before us. In some ways, that is one of the most beautiful gifts we can carry, and we can pass on to others who will walk this world long after we have breathed our last.

So much has happened in these last ten years. Her oldest grandchild graduated from a prestigious institution of higher learning, and her youngest grandchild only recently was born. My dad, my sister, my brother, and myself have each sought to deepen and enrich our own walks of faith, and live as a sign, a foretaste, and an instrument of God's Kingdom come, and His will being done on earth as it is in heaven--to the best of our ability.

There have been so many incredible experiences I've had over these last ten years that I wish I could share with my mom. I wish she would have been able to spend more time with Jamie, and celebrate with us on our wedding day. I wish she could have been able to meet Sylvia, and hold her and be one more experienced voice encouraging my wife as she entered into the joys and anxieties that are unique to motherhood. I wish I could have shared just a few of the photos, stories, and adventures I've been privileged to enjoy over these last ten years.

But its not just the stories from my life that I'd love to share. I wish she could see what a disciplined athlete my sister has become, and how her life has flourished over these last few years as she started running and winning trophies for her exploits on roads and trails. I wish she could have seen Dad heroically come back from a heart attack that would have killed most people. She would have loved to have seen the way he fought back and strengthened his heart, and how he gives so generously of himself to care for each of us kids and for so many others. And I wish she could see what a servant leader my brother has continued to be as well. She would have been so impressed with his recent 90 mile bike ride and the way he has led the carpool van for his work by waking up a little after 4AM every weekday for nearly 20 years to drive 8-10 coworkers over an hour to work.

Not that she wasn't proud of us before these last ten years, because she definitely was. She was a huge source of encouragement and inspiration for just about every person with whom she crossed paths. Moments of loss, as painful as they are, remind us to walk gently on this earth, and to love others deeply while we can. Seeing my mom in those last hours, unrelenting in her care for each of us as friends and family gathered in prayer, mourning and strange as it may seem, laugher, those images have become seared in my memory and in my own internal compass as I continue to seek to imitate her persevering and unshakeable tenacity and faith. Even until her last breath, she loved deeply, she ran her race strong, and she never wavered in her care for the rest of us.

If you knew my mom, you know what a special lady she was. And if you didn't, I hope you get the privilege of meeting her one day. Mom's have a special relationship with their children, and while each of us continues to live out our life with zeal and determination, I think each one of us kids (and Dad too), has those moments to this day, when all is quiet, and we have at the same time a deep sense of loss, and a deeper sense of appreciation for each moment we have.

May each of us walk gently on this earth, filled with compassion for others, and with a deep sense of awe for this beautiful place and the wonderful relationships with which the Creator of the universe has blessed each of us. And, may He give each of us space, as we need it, to grieve fully and fearlessly for those, like my mom, who have gone on to be with Jesus before us.

Remembering Mom Three Years Later

My best friend in the whole world, Willie wrote and recorded this song on youtube to honor my mom shortly after she went to be with Jesus on June 6, 2007. It's hard to believe it's been three years since she laughed with us, or told stories about our family and our heritage, hugged us, or shared her wisdom.

This morning I went through some old blog posts and journals because sometimes time seems to take the vividness out of focus. As I began reading and watching Willie's video I wept. I wept because of the brokenness we experience in this world, and the sense of loss that we all feel on this side of the veil when a loved one leaves this world.

It's good to take time to remember. I remember two years ago, on the one year anniversary of my mom's leaving of this world to be with Jesus that I made the decision to cut my hair, and leave it short. I remember also taking a day to be away and remember, reflect, grieve, and rejoice. Rejoicing at someone's death could seem a bit morbid, hateful, or sadistic. I don't rejoice my mom's death in the sense that many think of it. I rejoice that she is free from cancer, from diabetes, from arthritis, and from pain. I rejoice that she is in the presence of Jesus, the One who loves her (and us) with a love deeper than we can even imagine on this earth.

I still grieve too. At relay for life this year, I found myself choking down tears when I saw her luminaries. They were just some candles in paper bags with my mom's name written on them, but they elicited so much emotion from me. When I saw her name and in memory, I think every memory I had of her flooded my mind all at once. I think it started with the relay for life in 2007 for which my sister and I organized a team. My mind went to the hopes we had back then that my mom would beat cancer, and that she would walk a lap as a survivor in 2008 like my uncles and my sister were able to do. Then I found myself confronted with the reality that I will never see her again in this life, and that made me sad. Not only because she is my mother, but because she is also one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever known.

As I sit here reflecting, I can't help but be filled with hope as well. My mom, will be better than I could ever remember her when I see her again. She will be more beautiful, more loving, and more filled with joy. But that day is not now.

And so now, I strive to imitate the qualities I saw in her and loved while in this world. And it's ironic, because even those qualities were just shadows of the fullness that we find in God himself. My friend Trey once said something like this--when we see or experience something that gives us great joy, it's like we are seeing the handiwork of God, and that God is shining through that thing.

Aa the writer of the book of Hebrews reminds us, "Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith."

May we all cherish the opportunities that are given to us on this earth to allow God to shine through us, to bring others joy, and to love deeply.

Mom After Dose #4

Mom during dosing, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Well, Mom has gone through over half of her chemotherapy and she is doing GREAT!!! The dosing takes a long time, but yesterday I believe was a record, and she was able to leave the cancer center before 4PM. That never happens. She was done with everything in around 6 hours, and, although it was a long day, we are all getting a little more accustomed to the longevity of it. Mind you, it is not the kind of thing anyone ever wants to get comfortable with, but we are all going through it together.

When I took this picture, Mom was knitting two washcloths at the same time. My mom and dad are both skilled artisans. Dad can build unlike anybody I have ever seen, and Mom can make some really beautiful crochetwork, quilts and knitting. These two can do pretty much anything (kind of wonder sometimes what latent skill I might have!).

Even though it has been a really hard time for all of us, we are getting through this trial together. If anything, we are growing in our love for one another, and in our trust in the love and mercy of King Jesus.

Isn't Mom beautiful! I'm so proud of her, and she is overcoming!!!

Mom and Dad

Mom and Dad, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Well, earlier today I had a conversation with my mom, I knew something was wrong, but I wasn't sure quite what. She and my dad went to the doctor yesterday as a result of swelling she had in her right arm.

She thought it was related to a cortisone shot she recently received for knee pain.

It wasn't.

Over the next couple of weeks, my mom will undergo a series of tests to deal with a multiplicity of health issues that emerged during her recent doctor's visit. Its kind of sad, because my mom had no idea that anything was wrong, she just assumed it was a part of getting older. My mom and dad are both tough as nails, so I think they are as shocked as I am about what they heard.

Here are the problems which were discovered yesterday.

She has a consistent cough
She has fluid in her lungs--not sure if it is bronchitis, pneumonia, or something else.
She has a chest x-ray and follow up exam monday for this
She has an infection in her right breast
the infection has been draining into her right arm, and causing her entire arm to swell.
her right breast is also swollen
She has a lump in her right breast
next thursday she will have a biopsy done to find out more about it
She has fluid around her heart--not sure if it is congestive heart failure, or something else
she has a echocardiogram and follow up this thursday.

So, I would really appreciate prayer for my moms health. Pray that all of the problems would go away, pray that the doctors would be granted wisdom to find the source of the problems, and they would be taken care of quickly. Pray for my mom to be courageous, and for everything to turn out ok. I am sure she is pretty scared, and upset, and so I would appreciate prayers for all of that.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and giving this situation a couple of minutes of your time. I know we are all busy, but I really appreciate your prayers for this.

As I find out more info, I will try to keep everyone in the loop.

Reflections on 2007 Part 2 (Spring)

Reflections of 2007 Part 2 (Spring), originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

As I started reflecting on the last year, I realized--there were a ton of things going on in my life in 2007. I don't know about you, but sometimes even the complexity of life can seem so routine that I can run through days and weeks and feel little sense of accomplishment. Or perhaps my days (and yours) are so chock full of busy-ness that we don't fully grasp all that is going on in our world--inside and out..

Or maybe big goals are accomplished after a long grind, and life has so many challenges we fail to celebrate major successes. For instance, back in May, when I graduated with my Master's degree in English as the culmination of 5 years of study, it really didn't register with me because I was alone and didn't really celebrate. A few friends attempted to brighten my day by taking me out to dinner, but my mom was in the hospital. What I remember most about that day was how deeply alone I felt amid all of the families celebrating while my mom was fighting for every breath. My solace that day was having my mom tell me "Every day you make me proud," as I left her hospital room telling her I'd try to make her proud walking across the stage at graduation. She really wanted to be there , but she really needed to be in the hospital.

On top of graduation, I also was captain of a team in the Wood County Relay for Life. My dad, one of my best friends, Dan Van Valey, and I made a front page appearance in the parkersburg newspaper. We were so hopeful that my mom would be out of the hospital. She spent much of the week on a ventilator, and I think she came off it on Thursday. We were thrilled to say the least! And our team of 20 people raised over $1000 dollars in a very short time as a handful of us walked through much of the night.

And then after a tumultuous 3+ weeks in the hospital, went home to be with Jesus. I miss her dearly, as I'm sure everyone whose life she touched misses her. She was a beautiful human being who led a beautiful life on this earth. These last few months have been really strange without her presence here. My best friend in the whole world, Willie, wrote a song for my mom. If you never met my mom, suffice it to say, she was the kind of person people write songs about. I miss her!

It seems like every season has a mixture of joys and challenges. As I reflect back on this time, I can't help but see how Christ was walking with me in all of the pain and all of the rejoicing. He sustains me and gives me direction when times are tough. He also reminds me that as long as I have breath, I am to seek first His kingdom in all that I do.

Was 2007 defined by challenges or triumphs for you? Whose Kingdom are you seeking with your life? In the middle of the challenges and the triumphs I am tremendously thankful that he has given me a community of friends and family who love me and support me in every situation. Last Spring brought that truth out to me in the form of txts, emails, voicemails, and visits from people who gave Jesus hands and feet in the middle of my world.

I'm Yours

When I woke up this morning, I was going to blog about something different. I had the title, and the subject picked out, but for some reason, I felt prompted to watch this youtube video that my best friend on the planet made last summer. You see, I'm going to be speaking on Daniel and the Lion's Den this Sunday during our last h2o of the year, and as I was thinking about Daniel, I started thinking about my buddy Willie, and the incredible song he wrote for my mom. I posted this song once before, right after I heard it the first time, but I hope you will indulge me in this repetition of something that I believe is a true testimony to a beautiful life of faith in King Jesus.

You may already know this, but my mom went to be with Jesus on June 6, 2007 at 1.10PM. She fought cancer and a number of other ailments tenaciously, and through all of the pain, she never stopped loving and blessing others around her. If you want to read more about her last few days in the hospital, I recommend reading my archives from may and june of last year in particular. I actually took some time and read them again this morning.

This song really portrays vividly the last few days we were able to spend with my mom on this side of the veil. It also describes in detail the simple life of faith in Jesus that we are called to live. This morning, I've found myself walking around the house driving around town, and generally doing my daily routine with this chorus echoing in my mind. "I'm Yours!"

I miss my mom, and it is good to re-visit the past, and remember all of the times--both difficult and joyful. This song carries me back into the hospital and the times we spent sitting with her, laughing with her, sharing stories, and loving and being loved.

As you read this blog, and listen to this song, I ask you to reflect on where you are with Jesus. My mom was radically changed by her faith in Jesus, and it made even metastatic breast cancer seem trivial in comparison to the greatness of His love toward her and the overwhelming abundance of love she had to give even as she spent her last moments with us.

May you know Him, and may His love flow through you so that you can join the chorus of the saints who have sung with Daniel, Stephen, Willie, and my mom, "I'm Yours, I'm Yours, forever and always I will be Yours!"

Remembering

Off To Be With Jesus, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Today marks one year since my mom left this earth. It doesn't really seem like a year has gone by. It doesn't really seem real.

But it is real. One year ago, my brother called early in the morning to tell us that mom wasn't being really responsive. He had stayed the night in the room with her during her last night on this earth.

I imagine everyone in my family is experiencing today a little differently. A year ago, we were all together. This year we are spread from coast to coast in our own separate spaces.

So today, I am spending some time reflecting. I imagine everyone in our family will do it some. The last words she said to me were, "I love you," as I left her and my brother on the evening of the 5th. Those are words that will echo with me for years.

On the day before my graduation, I whispered in her ear, "I'll try to make you proud mom." At that point just a few weeks before she went to be with Jesus when she was having tremendous difficulty breathing, she responded, "Every day you make me proud."

My mom loved us. My mom is one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever known. And I not only knew her, but I got to hang out with her. Lots.

I miss her. My family misses her. If you knew her, you probably miss her too! She was that kind of a person. The kind of person people write songs about. The kind of person people cherish.

But she is with Jesus now. I can't even begin to imagine the applause of the saints as she went to be with her savior. I bet it was awesome. I bet it was awesome seeing her healthy and cancer free. I bet it was awesome hearing her creator say, "Well done, you good and faithful servant." I bet it was awesome as she was greeted on her departure from this world.

For us, it was awesome too. We grieve, but we rejoice for her. We share stories about her. We laugh, we cry, and at times we want to talk with her, but for now there is silence in response. She is no longer with us--she is in the presence of the Creator of the universe. She no longer sees through the mirror dimly.

In this culture we ilve in, grieving is difficult. I mean, it's never easy, but it seems like there is no space for such things. At times it feels like our lives carry a blistering pace. Like there is no space to slow down. Today, I plan to take some time to grieve, to remember, to reflect, and to rejoice for my mom, and for the goodness of the Creator in the middle of a sin soaked world.

Thanks for any prayers you offer up on behalf of me and my family. They are appreciated during this time, and at all times.

Mom After a Long Day at the Cancer Center

Mom After a Long Day at the Cancer Center, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Today was supposed to be mom's fifth dose. She was a little leery this morning that she wouldn't be able to get her chemotherapy. She's had a cough and shortness of breath for the last couple of weeks, and she was a little concerned about it.

So was the doctor. When she arrived, he brought her directly into his office, and had her get an x-ray to check for a possible blood clot in her lungs. The x-ray came up negative. He also did standard bloodwork, and my mom is pretty healthy. She is a little on the anemic side, but that is fairly common among American Indian people.

While the doctor was glad to see the negative x-ray, he wanted to be extra sure about things, so my mom had a CT scan of her chest. Again the results were negative--which was good. The doctor did notice some congestion in the lungs, so my mom is on a diuretic to try to get rid of the fluid.

The doctor also noticed what looked like a potential enlargement of her heart. (This is a possible side effects of one of the chemo drugs.)

Tomorrow morning she goes in for an echocardiogram. Friday she finds out the results, and so for the time being she is on hold for chemotherapy. Hopefully she will be able to get her dose Friday or Monday.

In the meantime, she has been tired, and a day of tests doesn't help that. But her disposition is as bright as ever. She is so filled with joy in the middle of it all, and peace and hope just radiate from her beautiful countenance.

to quote Stevie Wonder, "Isn't she lovely?" (By the way, I have been singing that to her all day.)

A Song for Billy's Mom

Last weekend, I met up with my best friend (brother) on the planet, Willie and his family in Wheeling, WV before going to see Brett Cain.

We went to the Ohio River and ate Di Carlo's Pizza. We walked along the river, and we prayed together. It was a beautiful time as we mourned and rejoiced together and enjoyed the sunset on the Ohio.
At one point Willie left and grabbed his guitar and out of his van. Then he shared this beautiful song that he wrote for my mom to honor her.

I wept incredibly as I listened to the lyrics because not only were they filled with love and honor, but many of them walked me through memories of the last few days we had with Mom.

While Willie is a little disappointed in the quality of the video/recording, I believe it is an incredible gift.
As He brought out the guitar and the lyrics, I thought to myself, "My mom is the kind of person that people write songs about!" And she is!

I love and miss my mom, but I'm overwhelmed with Joy that through it all she pointed us all to her King Jesus. Now she's with Him!

The chorus of this song is my favorite, because it is one that we can all make very personal and sing to Jesus. "I'm yours!"
If you haven't made this decision already, I pray you will read this blog, listen to this song, and tell Jesus that you are His! It's the best decision you will ever make--of that truth, I'm incredbly sure.

If you already know Jesus, maybe this song can be a reminder to you and an encouragement, and a point of rededication--to be His.

I really hope you enjoy this beautiful song, and I am soooo thankful to my brother Willie for writing and sharing it with the world!

Green Acres

Green Acres, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Well, it's official. My mom and Dad are now proud owners of a cabin in the Monongahela National Forest. And you know what that means--road trips are going to be frequent this summer!!!

Unfortunately, I've been slow in getting pictures and entries up on my blog lately, but I had to get this one up there.

Last Friday I drove down to Elkins and saw my mom for the first time in about a month. She seemed to be doing alright! Aside from the fatigue that comes from someone who is kicking cancer's tail she is as full of life as ever.

My dad, my mom, my brother-in-law, my sister, and me all converged on this almost heavenly fish camp last Friday, and they had just stocked the stream. Being the always prepared group of fishermen and women that we are, we left our rods and licenses at home. (It was supposed to rain that day, but the weather was also perfect). What can I say? None of us have ever had a fishing cabin before.

On Friday, my mom finds out what has been happening over this last round of chemo. She gets the results of her chemo, and I will be sure to pass the word on as quickly as I can.

I mean, this lady rocks!!! She's fighting this nasty cancer, getting injected with toxins, and she's like--"ya know, I think I wanna get a fishin cabin, and relax--fighting cancer is hard work."

Fighting cancer is hard work, and mom has been doing an awesome job!!! She's like some kind of superhero to everyone who spends any time around her. And put her together with my dad, and it's like they are the Incredibles. I love 'em!

Blooms

Blooms, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Monday afternoon I drove to Parkersburg to join with my family in a meeting with our cancer doctor. When i found out about the meeting I began praying and and I also began bracing myself for some horrible news.

I think my whole family went through those mental and emotional preparations. And when we met with the doctor, there was a degree of relief.

Although my mom has new cancer creating a rash above her right breast, the doctor told us that she would be going home in a couple of days, and then we would begin preparations for the next round of chemo.

Mom's really fighting hard. We're all fighting hard. I cherish your prayers for my family.

As we walked into the hospital on monday, my dad told me about a guy who retired the same day as him. The guy was in a bed on my mom's floor. His family was around him, and he was in a comatose state.

I walked out of my mom's room to go to the restroom, and I ran into my friend Frank Lambert and his fiancée as they walked into frank's dad's room. His dad has esophageal cancer. The outlook isn't good, but I followed them to the room and prayed with his family. While cancer makes things look hopeless, we have a God who is good, and we have hope that will not be put to shame.

Cancer is very indiscriminate. My friend Ben's father has cancer. And my friend Nina is fighting strong against it. My mom runs into people she knows every time she goes for a treatment.

In the middle of all of the weirdness of cancer, I was able to take time to enjoy this bloom from a cherry tree this morning.

In spite of the ugliness we see in the challenge cancer and other evils bring, beauty has a way of triumphing and appearing in some pretty unlikely places. We just need to be aware and looking.

Like the prophet Jeremiah once said,

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

How very true--nothing can stop that steadfast love and faithfulness. I know God is shining through in our lives through it all, and walking before us, with us, and behind us.

Brothers

Brothers, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Yesterday, my mom was admitted into Camden Clark Memorial Hospital because of some pretty intense breathing problems she was having. I was on my way to a conference, and got word that she was being admitted, and, after getting the counsel my close friend and fellow traveler Brian Shope, I turned the car around to head home to be with her.

Today, her breathing has still been difficult, and we have probably generated even more questions along the way. I wish I had a lot of clear stuff to report, but right now--I've got very little. Yesterday, we prayed that the doctors would have wisdom with regard to my mom's situation. This morning they "randomly discovered" an otherwise unsuspected and unusually high level of creatine in her blood. A catheter was ordered, and then blockage was discovered leading from both her kidneys--two stints were added in an emergency surgery this afternoon. What an amazing answer to prayer--but we still need to continue in prayer--persevere!

Through it all, my mom has been a trooper! The surgery was painful, but she is holding up. I hope we will find out more with regard to her situation in the near future, but I wanted to ask you to continue in prayer.

But not just for her. In this picture are my dad and two of his brothers. Both of these brothers (and a third one not in the photo) have been fighting and beating cancer--they are like inspirations to my mom. Just the same, I ask you to remember each of them in prayer.

As I posted this picture, I noticed that in the reflection on the TV you can vaguely see my sister, my aunt, and my mom. In the middle of all of these battles with cancer, it has been truly amazing to see how much our family has really come out and cared for one another.

I pray that this too might be a testimony to the incredibly gracious love of God that we have all received, and that we might be an encouragement to others fighting this ruthless malady.

We shall overcome! We are more than conquerors!