Review: Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin

Last fall on Veteran's Day, I mentioned a book I was reading that was written by two Navy SEALs about leadership called Extreme Ownership: How U.S. Navy Seals Lead And Win. The authors, Jocko Willink and Leif Babin also run their own leadership development and executive coaching firm called Echelon Front. To be honest, I probably would not have known about their book if it had not been for the fact that Leif and a number of his classmates from USNA class of 1998 rallied to the support of Nuru International CEO and classmate Jake Harriman as part of their 15 year class reunion gift. I had been following Leif on Twitter when I saw news of his book. As part of my ethos, I believe in supporting people who I have at least some degree of connection to as they work to bring good into the world. With Leif and Jocko, the connection was indirect. They were connected to Jake, and they had been supportive of Nuru's mission.

That being said, when I heard they wrote a book, I figured the least I could do was give it a read, and potentially write a review of it. So here I am, writing a review. And as I start, let me say this. I feel like most books on leadership are really just a repackaging of timeless lessons that are made more timely by their proximity to modern challenges, or by being etched into the minds of the author by the crucible of experience. In Extreme Ownership, we are presented with a book that comes from both.

The authors are honest in an admission that there are already plenty of books available on leadership, but they believe (and I agree) that their unique contribution to this sphere comes in the fact that they learned these lessons in the tumult of combat and have sought to extract from their experience the important principles and also worked to apply them to more conventional contexts in the workplace. The lessons and experiences are written vividly, and as one reads, there is a certainty that these memories and lessons learned were hard-fought, and life-changing for the authors. I highly recommend giving the book a read, not just for the leadership wisdom, but for the concrete way these two men have been able to write about their experiences in combat and bring the realities that most of us only experience through the filter of news channel pundits into the forefront of our own understanding. While the book is a great book about leadership, it is also a history lesson on the very real challenges that men and women who are my age have encountered over the last several years in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other conflict zones around the world.

The three biggest reminders I took away from the book were these.

1) The person who bears ultimate responsibility for any mission, any project, or any objective in my life is me. We live in a world caught up in working to assign blame to others and displace responsibility from ourselves. If something in my life is not working out the way I want it to, I need to own it. I need to accept responsibility for my own failures, as well as my failures when leading others. I need to own it.

2) When I'm feeling overwhelmed, the most important thing I can do is prioritize and execute. We talk a lot about multi-tasking, but the reality is we will fail if we try to tackle several tasks simultaneously. It is up to me to determine the highest priority task and then begin there. If there are several tasks, I need to keep my head and do as the authors say, "Relax, look around, make a call."

3) Discipline equals freedom. Not only is this a great little mantra, but the premise is that increased discipline results most often in greater freedom. If we master a certain level of discipline, we can easily adapt. As we standardize and create routines, it helps us to be mindful and creative in our approaches to other areas, and by creating discipline around a few standing areas, we can easily adapt and create linkages when necessary. I like to think about this principle as the means through which I achieve results. If I want to attain mastery of my fitness, my spiritual formation, etc. I need to apply a level of discipline on an ongoing basis. At least this is my personal application of the principle.

So, if you are looking for a solid book on leadership, or if you are looking to learn from the stories and experiences of a couple of people who have been taught from the crucible of experience on the frontlines of combat, I recommend giving Extreme Ownership a read. Also, Jocko has started a podcast too. I was able to listen to a little bit of his first one, but I'm hoping to give these segments a listen on some future road trip or flight.

Walking Along The Thames and Catching A Glimpse Of Shakespeare's Globe Theatre

I've been meaning to post some photos and share some stories from my recent trips to visit Nuru's work in Kenya and Ethiopia as well as from the long layovers I had in London but time waits for no one. So as I'm getting adjusted back to life in Morgantown, I thought I could start taking some time to reflect before the memories fade. There was a lot of travel back in August, and a lot more stories to share, but for a starter I thought I'd share this photo of Shakespeare's Globe Theatre in London.

During my layover on my return trip back to the US, I had enough time to leave the airport, take The Tube and walk along The Thames. I walked by a number of landmarks including the rebuilt London Bridge.

So as I walked along the Thames it was simply amazing to look around and see so many historic landmarks, and to just think about the history of this city. As some already know, among other degrees I received a BA and MA in English from WVU. My focus for my Master's was largely the literature of early America, but during undergrad I took a variety of survey courses--including a course that was entirely Shakespeare. In high school, I used to love it when we would go through sections of Shakespeare in English class as well.

The reason why I loved these classes and times was because we would always dig into the drama. Even in college, we would take time each week for people to read dramatically or act out parts from different plays. We would watch scenes from movies like Hamlet (with Mel Gibson) or Kenneth Branagh Shakespearean plays, or at WVU, we were encouraged to visit the Lansburgh Shakespeare Theatre--which was amazing. Plays always seemed to have a lesson at work, and they always seemed to lend themselves well to re-reading and experimenting with different ways of presenting the words--they were always fun. They were especially fun when people would read in-character.

A flood of memories from English classes and movies came to my mind as I saw this building--The Globe--a rebuilt replica of the place where Shakespeare's plays were performed (the original site was a few hundred feet from this site). In my mind I tried to picture what that world was like. The Theatre was built right around the time of multiple explorations to the New World, and it was estimated to have a capacity of 3,000 audience members.

Even though the building I saw was a re-creation of the original, it stood as a reminder of a different time in England's history, world history, and as a testimony to the power of a good story. Shakespeare's plays are still being read and performed--they have stood a four hundred year test of time--there are not many stories that have echoed down through the centuries like this--it seems like Shakespeare understood the intricacies of human experience--both the good and the bad of human nature and could help people see their own selves (or people they knew) in the lives of the characters of the play. Maybe that's why his plays have stood the test of time, and why people have chosen to resurrect a replica of what the original Shakespearean experience might have been like.

Everyone loves a good story, and as much as it's great to hear a good story or watch a good story on the big screen or in the media, I think the world would be the better if we chose to live a good story as well. So as each of us goes about our day, may we take time to reflect not only on the good stories we have heard or seen, but may we take time to create and live a good story through the events of our daily lives. We've each been given a story to live, and we have an opportunity to live it out in an incredible way that shapes not only ourselves, but also shapes this world to be a better place.

Mr. Williams Goes To Washington: Meeting President Obama At The White House

Wednesday afternoon July 22 around 430PM  I started to make my way through our nation’s capital to the place where the President and his family made their home.  I had the added comfort of not going alone too; one of my coworkers, Beth Atherton had received the invitation to the reception as well. Honestly the entire experience felt a bit surreal. From the invitation, to the airline flights, and the suit shopping, to the encouragement of friends and family on social media I was a bit overwhelmed. I made my way through multiple identification checks and security checkpoints, and then began making my way up the steps to the White House.

Walking through the space, my mind was filled with gratitude. I had gratitude for the opportunity of course, but more so gratitude for all of the folks who had poured into my life, all of us unaware that an opportunity like this would ever present itself. I was also grateful for the words of my friend, and Nuru’s founder Jake Harriman who had recently shared in a speech that as a Marine, he fought for “the idea that is America, a nation that stands for the freedom of human rights and lasting, meaningful choices for everyone, everywhere.” Here I was, in the place where every US President had made his home, in the place where global leaders for the last 200 years had met with these Presidents and talked about the past, current events, and a pathway for the future.

I made my way from room to room and was just simply amazed that regular citizens would have an opportunity to walk through a place of such hallowed tradition and leadership. I looked on the walls at portraits of former Presidents. I sat on chairs that were more than 200 years old, chairs that were sat upon for discussion, debate, and contemplation as leaders thought through decisions that would affect future generations of our country and the world.

As I walked around, I started conversations with a few of the service members on duty to learn more about the space. I walked around looking at the dining ware of former Presidents, photos of historic moments for our nation and the world, and I thought—what a privilege—I don’t belong here—this is out of my league. But then, at the same time, I thought, that is the beauty of America. For all of our faults, (because we are not a perfect utopia), we are a nation where a small town boy from West Virginia, and regular folk from everywhere have a stake in shaping the future, by voting and by serving. I met a woman there named Peggy who had been on staff for more than 50 years. She started two days after President Kennedy was assassinated. She was incredibly humble and joyful, and I absolutely loved talking with her. She told me that her time in the White House had been filled with amazing experiences, every day, and that she had the privilege of meeting some pretty amazing people during her time. As I listened to her share, I thought, “I’m so thankful for the opportunity to meet this amazing lady. She has spent more time in these hallowed halls than any of the Presidents she has served under. What a gift.”

An individual stepped forward to make the announcement that we should make our way from the State Dining Room to the East Room. There was a podium toward the front of the room with the Seal of the President Of The United States on the front, and a rope that was probably 5-10 feet away.  There were multiple video cameras throughout the space, and Beth and I made our way toward the rope and waited.

As we waited we both found ourselves striking up conversations with others around us. Among those around us was a Lumbee woman who had been doing some amazing work for small farmers in the American Indian community. I shared with her my own Shawnee heritage and tribal involvement, and we had a truly engaging conversation about the Native American issues particularly related to tribes on the East Coast.  As we talked, I thought, what are the chances that I would end up standing next to another Native person in the White House…while celebrating the signing into law a renewal of the African Growthand Opportunity Act. The world is small indeed.

Just a few moments later, President Barack Obama made his way to the podium and gave a short address. And as he spoke, he kept looking my direction, and making eye contact. The first time it happened, I thought, “Is he looking at me?” and then, it kept happening. It probably helped that I was close to the front, and at least a half-foot taller than many of the people around me. After his remarks, the President made his way to the rope and began making his way across the front row shaking hands. I had let a couple of people in front of me, and thought, “I may have just missed an opportunity to greet the President.” But as he made his way to my side of the room, he extended his hand back past the front row of people, grabbed my hand, and said very genuinely, “Thanks so much for coming!” My mind raced for the right words to say to our nation’s Commander-In-Chief, and I humbly spoke as we shook, “Thank you for having me, sir.” He then proceeded to shake hands with others, and quietly left the room to prepare for his trip to the African continent.

As the room began to empty out, I made my way back to the dining room and chatted with Beth, my coworker, about the experience. It was pretty amazing all around. I had also captured a photo of Beth and President Obama exchanging a quick greeting as well. We made our way through the entrance hall to the State Dining Room where we were able to enjoy a short conversation with two older Catholic sisters who had committed their lives to serving their African neighbors. It was a beautiful moment to listen to stories from two women who had been faithful to a vocational calling to serve.

This entire trip and opportunity will be a cherished and special memory for me, and I am thoroughly filled with gratitude for the opportunity I had to spend time in the White House. I remember as a young child, always being told on field trips that I was representing my school and my town and my state. During this experience, the weight of those words came flooding back. I was given a supreme privilege to represent not only Nuru, but my faith, my Shawnee tribal community, my state, and my family in the highest office in the land.

The truth is, every day is an opportunity for each one of us to represent well the people and cultures from whom and from which we have been shaped.  May we each step into our days with a firm grasp of this reality, and may we each seek to represent well as we commit ourselves to the service and betterment of others.

A Visit From Dad And Uncle Bill

This spring has been a season of hospitality for us at Chateau Williams, and we LOVE it! This past weekend was extra special because my namesake--Uncle Bill and my dad came up for the weekend. My uncle is fast approaching his 81st birthday and my dad just celebrated his 74th, and my uncle shared with us that he thought that it was probably only the third time in his life that he had stayed the night in another person's home. When he told me that, I responded, "Well, I'm not sure that this time really counts, because technically, your name is on the deed." ;)

We spent our evenings relaxing and playing cards, and each day, Jamie and I took my dad and uncle to explore a little bit of our area. We drove through the Fort Pitt Tunnel so they could see downtown Pittsburgh, and then took time to enjoy the view at Cooper's Rock after visiting the Coliseum and Mountaineer Field. If you didn't know, it's pretty much a given in our family to be Mountaineer fans. And the trip was made even better because we were able to visit the WVU Basketball practice facility and see highlights from Mountaineer basketball throughout the history of the program. The visit to the practice facility (and a stop by the WVU Field House) brought back a memory from high school for my uncle of seeing Mountaineer legend Mark Workman play in what is now Stansbury Hall. 

The entire weekend was a blast, but the high point for me was probably having my dad and uncle visit the church we are part of. As an added bonus I was giving the message. My dad and uncle both supported Great Commission Ministries, the mission agency I worked for from 2001-2009 for the entire duration of my time there, but my uncle never had an opportunity to see the incredible community I have been privileged to be part of from the moment I first placed my faith in Christ on November 12, 1994 (which also happens to be my sister's wedding date). He and my dad both commented on how encouraging it was to be able to hear me share, but even more encouraging to see and experience the wonderful faith community that Jamie and I are privileged to be part of. After the service, Dad, Uncle Bill, and I had a few moments of joy-filled tears flowing out of gratitude--gratitude for family, gratitude for community, and gratitude for our faith in a God who allows us to experience joy no matter what the circumstances. 

We all have been given so much. And I am so thankful for the opportunity to see through the fresh eyes of my dad and my uncle some of the wonderful gifts we have been given to share. And to be able to share in anything good is an incredible gift indeed. My uncle told me before he left that he almost didn't come--not for any particular reason beyond a desire to enjoy the comfort and familiarity of being home. But, he shared multiple times, he was really glad he came, and so were we. In fact, as we drove around exploring, my uncle and dad already started planning for their next trip. We can't wait!

Joshua's Story

I just had to share this incredible new video from Nuru International with you!

Joshua Makira Chacha is from Ihore Kenya. He’s been farming with Nuru for the last three years, and his story is both heartbreaking and inspiring. Heartbreaking because no one should have to go through the challenges he and his family had. They did not have enough food to eat. How heartbreaking would it be to look at your children knowing that you and they were hungry and not having any idea what you could do about it or when the hunger would end.

In Joshua’s words, “Not being able to provide for my kids and my wife made me feel like I was nothing.” When Nuru came,  Joshua learned new methods for planting and provided a loan of good seed and fertilizer. Joshua was able to go from growing five bags of maize to twenty two bags of maize on his farm.

Not only that, now Joshua is teaching other families, He and his family are not only able to address hunger, but they are practicing healthy behaviors like boiling water, sleeping under mosquito nets and using latrines—so he and his family can stay healthy. He also joined a savings club which helps him to save in case of an emergency the money will help him.

Very happy because he can now feed his family, has beddings, house, and cattle. Nuru didn’t give him a handout, but rather gave him the ability to provide for his family.  And now, the result is not only seen in the improved crop yields, but more importantly, in the restoration of Joshua’s dignity as a human, as a man, as a husband, and as a father. In his own words, “Now when I hang out with friends, I feels like I am somebody, a real father.”

And stories like Joshua’s are becoming reality for literally thousands of families in Kuria West, Kenya.  It is an honor to work together with you and Nuru to make this change possible.

Margaret Matinde: A Nuru International Story of A Changed Life

As I mentioned in a post last week, Nuru has put together an online interactive annual report that includes two videos. Last week, I shared a video that told the story of Elias Sinda and how his life had changed as a result of Nuru’s work. 

This week I wanted to post a second video that tells a different story, the story of Margaret Matinde. Margaret’s story is not all that uncommon in Kuria. She lives in a home made from mud and thatch, and works hard to take care of her family. Because noone had ever quipped her with the tools and knowledge necessary to learn to save, her family rarely had money to help meet basic needs, and couldn’t afford to send her children to school

When Nuru came into the community, Margaret (and many, many others) participated in savings clubs. In these savings clubs they learned to save, budget, and invest their resources wisely. As a result of Margaret’s diligence and discipline in saving, she qualified for a small loan from Nuru and she used this money to start a business—a restaurant. Now, it’s not what people in the west are accustomed to when it comes to a ‘restaurant’ but it is an incredible example of local business and local entrepreneurship helping to meet needs in a community.

As a result of Margaret’s successful business, she can now afford to send her children to school, which in turn means that her children will have even more opportunities for a better life. Margaret learned how to do business, and she learned how to save and plan for her family’s future.

I love the fact that we have stories like Margaret’s and Elias’ that we can share. And there are many more people in Kuria who, just like them, are experiencing hope, choices, and opportunities that they would have never dreamed of before Nuru. If you have been volunteering, fundraising, or donating to Nuru, you have been playing a key role in helping Margaret, Elias, and thousands of other people to write these stories, and to have a new outlook for their future.

Our work is just beginning, but together we are making a difference in the world as we work to create a world where people in extreme poverty have choices and hope where there was once desperation and despair. Together, we are ending extreme poverty, one community at a time!

The Ring Part 7 The Finished Product

After Doug had finished cutting the stone, I still had the challenge of selecting a ring for the stone.  Again, I was looking at silver, and Doug had warned me about a couple of challenges with silver.  Silver is usually very pure compared to other precious metals 98%+ versus gold being about 60% pure.  This means that silver rings are somewhat softer than gold rings (even though pure gold is very soft).  Also, most rings are made from gold or platinum, so he warned me that it may be difficult to find a silver ring that I liked.

We spent about two hours pouring through a catalog and I found about eight options that I liked.  There was one ring in particular with which the wedding band paired uniquely, and the engagement ring itself had a unique setting.  Instead of 4-6 prongs (which can break), the ring setting was comprised of two semi-circular clasps that hold the stone liked two clasped hands.

Doug was concerned that the ring may not be able to be cast in silver, but to my joy and our collective surprise, it could be.

Some of you may be wondering why I would go to such lengths over a ring and stone.  Let me explain.  Jamie is incredibly special to me, in fact, I would say that she is a precious gem and a treasure that God and her parents have entrusted to me, and allowed me the privilege of sharing her and caring for her.  She’s an incredible lady, and I consider her a gift to be cherished.  So often, the media encourages us to spend money to show our love for another person, and personally, I love to lavish gifts upon my friends.

With Jamie’s ring, I wanted her to be able to look at it, and know that it, much like she, is one of a kind.  I wanted her to know that I wanted the ring to be special and memorable, and that I wanted it to be a symbol of the same care that I want to show her for the rest of our lives on this earth together.  It’s also a symbol of the degree of care with which I want to live my life on this planet.  It’s not often we get an opportunity to pour thought and effort into a symbol, and an engagement/wedding ring is one of the most powerful symbols on the planet.

For you men out there, remember that he who finds a wife finds a good thing, and that your spouse is one of the most precious gifts God can give you.  Don’t take this person lightly or take this gift for granted.  For you women, the same is true.  You are called to support one another and to work together to accomplish far more good in this world than either of you could do alone.  That’s a lofty challenge, and the beginning of such a work is to be found in centering your lives upon the beautiful way of Jesus, and then taking this divine love and sharing it with each other, then letting it pour out to the rest of the world to add bring joy and peace to the earth.

The Ring Part 6 Some Spiritual Thoughts About The Process

As I was writing about the process of making Jamie’s engagement ring, I couldn’t help but think about a spiritual correlation.  I think God finds us on this earth as rough sapphires.  He applies heat and pressure, and begins to shave away aspects of our lives that do not reflect light brilliantly.  For us, the process is often painful.  Nobody likes having our rough spots grinded away until they are smooth as glass.

But God does this, and over time, there is a brilliance and light that emanates from us with increasing brightness, that is if we abandon ourselves to the trustworthy skill and expertise of God the gem-cutter.  If not, we may never develop our full potential.

But every time we yield another aspect of our life, to the Creator, he is able to create another facet.  And then, we reflect light.  We don’t produce it from within, but rather, the light enters us like it enters a gem, it bounces around, and then radiates outward like some kind of divinely orchestrated spark or sparkle.  When you see someone whose life seems to radiate a great light, it is a mark of the master jeweler who has been cutting away and working toward’s creating a masterpiece out of that person’s life.  You see, we aer God’s masterpiece, we are his precious gems that he created for the purpose of emanating love, joy, piece, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. In a world in which we need to see more of these things.

May you be yielded in the hands of the Master as he brings out your brilliance and enables you to reflect and shine His light in this world.

The Ring Part 4--Indigenous Stone

Doug started making calls to mines around the country to find that there was only one mine in the country that was still producing topaz.  It was in Texas, and the mine owner was also a gem cutter.  She insisted that she cut the stone, and was charging a very steep price for her topaz. 

I don’t think I mentioned this earlier, but as Doug and I had our initial discussion, he offered to cut whatever stone we were able to get.  If he found something, he would order it, and then would cut it for me.  Doug’s a pretty amazing dude.

So as Doug commences calling mines, he gets in touch with the owner of a sapphire mine in Montana who had just discovered two rough blue sapphires.  He said that if I wanted one, he would take the other, and would keep it for his own collection.  I gave him the ok, and he placed the order.

Just so you know, if you are thinking about trying this, there are no guarantees with purchasing rough stone.  As you cut into the stone, there may be impurities, fractures, and the like that emerge.  Sometimes stones will be heat treated to burn away many of the impurities.  The stones Doug was working with came out of the earth as is.

Also, if you are thinking about doing something like this, it takes time and effort.  It’s not as simple as clicking a couple of buttons or going to the jewelry store and swiping a credit card.  In order to do it, you need to plan ahead, and give time for the turn around.  From start to finish of everything it took around a month.  I believe it was worth it.

The Ring Part 1 Do No Harm

Over the next few posts, I am hoping to share some thoughts and reflections around the process of the creation of Jamie's ring. Hope you enjoy them.

As I mentioned before, I initially wanted a hand crafted silver ring that was made by a tribal elder to be the ring with which I proposed to Jamie, but that just wasn’t working out.  Jamie had mentioned that she loved silver, and that she’d like her ring to be made from this precious metal.  She and I had also discussed that no matter what, we didn’t want to spend an exorbitant amount of money on the ring, or purchase a precious stone that could be associated with conflict, slavery. 

You might be wondering what I mean by conflict.  If you have seen or heard of the movie “Blood Diamond” you have some idea.  You see, many of the precious stones that make their way into our jewelry here in the United States come from places known for political instability, extreme poverty, and violence.   Poor people become forced laborers, and are compelled to search for these precious stones.  Then, the  guerrilla or terrorist group that forces these people to work take the stones.  They sell the stones in global markets, and use the precious stone trade to fund their operations, and continue to oppress other men, women and children.

It’s a very ugly situation, but we are significantly removed from the reality of it when we walk into the local jewelry store and go online to purchase a gift.  Early in our relationship, Jamie and I watched the movie Blood Diamond, and made a conscious decision that if we continued in our relationship and became husband and wife that we would not support the diamond trade, and that we would seek to do no harm with our purchase.

One of the things about Jamie that impresses me about her is her heart for justice (that could be a blog post in itself), and her practical mentality about material goods.  She and I both strive to thoughtfully love our neighbors, and one of the ways we wanted to do this was to go against the grain of normal wedding rings.  I don’t believe anybody sets in their mind to do harm by the purchase of an engagement ring or other jewelry.  Honestly, as I said before, we are so far removed from the conflicts associated with these precious stones that we just don’t know what evil we may be participating in when we make a purchase.

The Place

Back in April 2010 I went to visit some folks from my tribe who live along the Ohio River. Me and my best friend in the whole world, Willie, picked up some tobacco as per our tribal tradition while on our way (you should always bring some form of tobacco as a gift when visiting an elder or spiritual leader), since we were visiting the oldest living elder of our tribe.  His name is Flying Duck, and he is the brother of our tribe’s former principle chief.  He and his sons are pretty amazing artisans, and in particular he and one of his sons work with silver.

The reason for our visit was twofold.  The first reason was because Flying Duck is an elder, and regrettably for both Willie and myself it had been far too long since we last visited him.  The second reason was because I was hoping to ask him and his son if they could make an engagement/wedding band for me to offer Jamie as I asked for her hand in marriage.  Shawnee people have a long tradition in silver-work, and for many other tribes, the word used to describe the Shawnee meant “the silver people.”

As Willie and I drove the narrow country road that led away from the Ohio River along a small stream on Rush Run Road, my mind flooded with memories.  We had driven this road many times before to visit Flying Duck and other Shawnee who lived in the area.  We had roofed a house there, gone to church there, attended funerals there, and on many occasions sat in the house where Flying Duck and Raincrow grew up.

Every time I visit, I sit down in an old wooden chair that sat next to an old wooden table in the dining room, and sometimes, Flying Duck talk about the table and chair. Shawnee people love to tell stories. "Billy, a lot of very deeply spiritual people have sat at that table.  Many of the most committed Christians I have ever known have sat exactly where you are sitting.  Raincrow, my grandmother, and my mother have all sat in that space.  We’ve hosted missionaries, preachers and others and they have sat right here at that table for meals.  Have you ever heard of Dr. Alexander Reed? Dr. Alexander Reed was a missionary to Africa and he had a huge crush on my mother.  Lot’s of men did because she was beautiful, and very godly.  Every time Dr. Alexander Reed would return from Africa, he would come visit for Sunday dinner after church and would share stories with our family of his missions in Africa.  Lot’s of powerful Christians have sat where you sit Billy, and it’s an honor to have you sit there too!”

And so we would sit and listen and share stories.  It’s a bit of the Indian way.  On this trip, it was more of the same, and although Flying Duck and his son felt they would be unable to help me make a unique ring, we certainly enjoyed catching up, and sharing stories.  I remember my drive back to Columbus with Willie, and just how nostalgic we had become from our visit to a place and to people with whom we had many special memories.

As I talked with Jamie about it the next day, it sparked a question.  “Where’s the most special place on earth for you, where you have a lot of memories and good times?”

Her response, “I’d have to say Lake Floyd.  It’s the place where I grew up, and it is really special to me.”

I thought, then spoke “Well, is there any place in particular around the lake that is particularly special for you? It’s kind of a big place.”

“The middle of the lake, I used to love rowing out there and sitting—it’s just so quiet and peaceful.”

And that’s when I knew that when I asked Jamie to marry me, it was going to be in the middle of Lake Floyd…

And what about you?  What are some special and sacred places for you?

One More Permission

Jamie and I had been in a relationship for a long time, and once again I found myself looking for an opportunity to sit down with Jamie’s dad to ask permission of him.  This time it was to ask for his permission to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage.  It was a one of a kind conversation, and had it’s fair share of humor in the brief exchange.

It was mother’s day 2010, and Jamie and I drove to Lake Floyd to spend a little time with her parents.  I was praying for the right time to ask her dad, and for an opportunity, but I knew that much of my summer I would be out of town and traveling.  I had a 5-10 minute window on Sunday morning before church while Jamie was taking a a shower, so I took my opportunity.

“Hey Les, could I talk to you for a minute”

“Sure”

We sat down in the living room, and I started.

“I’ve never done this before, and I hope I never have to do this again”--masterfully eloquent I know.

We both laughed a little bit, and I continued, “but I’d like to ask your permission to ask Jamie to marry me.”

“Sure. Kim and I felt like we might have this conversation soon.  When were you thinking about asking her?”

“I was thinking sometime over the next month or two.  I’m going to be meeting with a friend tonight who is a gem cutter about possible rings and gemstones.”

“When were you thinking about a wedding date?” 

“I was thinking sometime next May or June, after she finishes her Master’s degree.”

“Well what if she says no?”

“I never thought about that, that’s a good question!”

“You know nobody bats 1.000 right?”

We both laughed, and I told him my plans for asking her.  He asked me to let me know if there was anything he and his wife could do to assist.

And then Jamie came out of the shower and we all drove to South Ridge Church.  Les told his wife about our conversation, but Jamie would have to remain in the dark for a few more weeks . . .

Permissions and Clearances

Now I’ve been interested in people before, and I’ve even dated some, but I haven’t spent that much time in the dating sphere.  Honestly, for a long time I called myself a “bachelor to the rapture” because I really wondered if it wasn’t best for me to be single.  I believe that if you are going to be married or in a relationship that the person you are with should be a complement to you, should spur your growth, and should be someone with whom you can pursue your faith in a meaningful way.  I further believe that friends and family provide some of the best guidance and perspective when it comes to whether or not to pursue someone.

I had talked to a handful of friends in the days before the ‘Bubble Tea Episode’ and they all thought Jamie was absolutely wonderful.  After Jamie had let me know the answer she had received through prayer, I told her that before we pursue anything further, that we needed to ask for a few people’s thoughts about it, and the first people I wanted to talk to were her mom and dad.

There were a couple of reasons for this.  The first being that quite simply, courting/dating relationships shouldn’t be entered into lightly, and it is honorable and right to ask a woman’s parent’s permission before entering into a dating relationship.  Mind you, I had never done this before, but I just believed that on this occasion, this was the right course of action.  Another reason was because at the time we started dating, I was leading a ministry in the church that Jamie was part of.  I wanted Jamie’s parents to know that I wasn’t some creepy church guy who was preying on their daughter (unfortunately there really are people like that and it’s a tragedy that they turn people away from the faith).  If those reasons were not enough, a month prior to asking Jamie about dating, I had a dream in which I drove to Jamie’s parents to ask their permission to date Jamie.  All in all, it seemed like the right thing to do.

During thanksgiving break, I followed Jamie to Lake Floyd and had lunch with her parents and her.  I explained to them how very special I believed Jamie was, and that I was interested in pursuing a relationship with her, but that I would stop that pursuit immediately if they did not feel that they could bless it, or did not believe it was honorable.  Jamie’s dad had one of the most profound responses I’ve ever heard—it echoed Gamaliel’s statements in the book of acts  (read em).  He said, “Well, if this is God’s will, then there’s nothing we can do to stop it, and if it isn’t, there’s no way it will ever amount to anything.  So we will trust God, and give you our blessing to pursue a relationship with our Jamie.”

After Jamie’s parents, it was time to ask my own family.  I had really never even talked about dating anybody with them in my whole life, but I wanted them to weigh in on it with Jamie.  As I spoke with them after leaving Jamie’s folks they said they thought it was my choice, and they looked forward to meeting her.  My best friend, Willie, expressed some concern over her being a Tarheel fan but other than that, he thought it was great! (Just for reference the photo above was taken just after I told them about Jamie, and just before I let Willie know she was a UNC fan.)

And my final clearance and permission needed to come from the pastors of my church.  Now I don’t think this is necessary for every person, but for me, as a leader in the church, and knowing some of the downright awful things that can happen among ‘leaders’ and members of a congregation, my ultimate concern with all of my asking permission was that I did not want to do anything that would tarnish the name of Christ in mine or Jamie’s lives, nor did I want to do anything that would draw reproach on the church or undermine mine or Jamie’s testimony to the hope we had found in Jesus.  The response of my fellow staff member’s and pastors was enthusiastic and encouraging.

So on December 17, 2008 Jamie and I announced our relationship at a birthday party at the Olive Garden.  While all of my conversations with family, friends, and church leadership might seem a bit over the top, I’m so glad that from the beginning of our relationship we have invited many others to speak into it, to counsel us, and to encourage us in our pursuit of God first, and then our relationship with each other.

Bubble Tea Will Never Be The Same

It was October 19^th, 2008, and the place was a little spot in Morgantown called Bubble Sikaku.  It was an Asian Tea place that sold bubble tea.  Bubble Tea is a delicious drink that has small tapioca balls in the bottom of it. It comes in a variety of flavors and styles, and I believe one could spend years drinking it without exhausting the combinations.  I had chosen Bubble Tea for the place where we would meet.

I had hoped to meet up the day before, go for a bike ride to Apple Annie’s, and then take a drive to Cooper’s Rock, but we couldn’t do that because of schedule conflicts—she was attending a wedding with another guy.  So I waited for the meeting, and planned it for the next day.

When I was scheduling our meeting, she asked if other people could join us, and I told her that I would rather just talk to her.  She asked if she was in trouble or getting fired, and I let her know that she wasn’t in trouble but that I just wanted to talk.

As she came into the space and we sat down, I started by thanking her for her friendship.  We had been friends for three years, and she had become one of my most trusted friends.  She and her mom came to my mother’s funeral, and I had encouraged several guys to pursue a relationship with her because she was such a catch.  And recently, I had wondered if maybe I should stop encouraging other guys to date her.

I told her that we had been spending a lot of time together, and that I really enjoyed every moment of it.  I didn’t believe we had crossed the line of “too much” time, but I felt like we were getting close to that line, and that if I really wanted to honor God, and honor her, I needed to talk in more detail about our relationship.  I wanted to get to know her better, and I was beginning to believe that I either needed to begin to pursue a relationship with her, or back off in our quality time together significantly.

So I shared my feelings with her, and how special and treasured she was to me, and how I had no idea what the future had in store, but that I would love to find out.  Maybe we would only end up being really great friends, but maybe there was something more.

She didn’t talk much.  She didn’t pour her Bubble Tea out on my head either, so it didn’t go entirely badly.  She told me that she was honored and flattered, and although the thought had never crossed her mind about it before, she wanted to take time and pray about it. 

And so she prayed, and I waited.  And after a few weeks of prayer, she let me know that YES, she would be interested in seeing what a relationship together might look like.