Reflection: Remembering Mom Nine Years Later

It was nine years ago on this day that I cut off most of my hair as per Shawnee mourning tradition; one year later, I cut off the rest of it, and have kept it short since. It was just a little after 1PM when my mom breathed her last breath on this earth and went off to be with Jesus. I vividly remember those last hours in a hospital room surrounded by family and friends who had gathered to give one-sided goodbyes. The goodbyes were one-sided because my mom spoke her last words during the evening before. My last two-way exchange with her happened that evening. My last words to her that evening were “Goodnight Mom, I love you,” as I turned and walked out the door to her hospital room. Her last words to me were, “I love you” as I walked out of the room. She loved all of us so well.

In the weeks leading up to her departure, she had started calling me her warrior and my older sister her princess. To this day, when I hear the term warrior, I think of my mom, her battle with cancer, and her bestowing that name on me. She was one of the greatest warriors I have ever known, and she taught so many of us about what service and love look like.

Even during her last days, she was befriending the custodial and nursing staff of the hospital and looking to brighten their days. How she spent those last days was similar to how I watched her spend so many other days throughout her life. She was caring for others and speaking words of potential and hope into everyone. Those last few days, she shared visions with us, and so much joy. Her last morning and afternoon on earth, she was literally surrounded by people who loved her, who were praying with and for her right up to the point she departed this world into the world to come. Even at her funeral, it was less of a time of mourning and grief (although in our family culture we believe in slowing down and mourning in fullness), and more of a time of celebration and joy at heaven’s gain, as well as the fact that my mom would no longer suffer.

It’s nine years later, and as I write, the strong mix of emotions is just as fresh and as potent as it was on that early afternoon in a hospital room. My mom ran her race well and finished strong! She gave each of us who knew her a legacy and an example to which we could all strive to live in accordance—a legacy and an example of honor and compassion—a legacy of hope. I'm grateful that friends like Willie wrote beautiful songs like this one to help others who may not have known her get an idea of who she was. She was the kind of person people write songs about.

When Mom was diagnosed in summer 2006, her physician told her that she had a maximum of six months to live without treatment, and eighteen months with; she went to be with Jesus about 11 months after the news hit. When I talked to her about it she said the main thing she felt was sadness about leaving dad and us kids behind. She loved so much and so well.

A couple of months into her first round of chemotherapy, as her hair was starting to come out, she had made herself some bandannas to cover her head. The people of her church had gathered to pray for her and for another gentleman who had been diagnosed with another form of cancer. She looked that man in the eyes and reminded him, and all of us, “No matter what happens, we win!” That was exactly the kind of hope and faith my mom lived every one of her days with.

Each year, as the anniversary of my mom’s departure from this world arrives, I try to take some time to ruminate over different memories—not just of that last year, but of her whole life. The last months are among the most memorable because it seemed that every single one of those days, we had each committed our lives to living more purposefully. The beautiful irony of that intentionality is that it really wasn’t a significant shift for my mom or for any of the rest of us kids and dad. We lived the years leading up to her diagnosis with the same sense of service, compassion, and laughter—we were just more keenly aware of the limited time we had together after the diagnosis.

And today, as I think back on Mom and all that has happened from that last day with her till now, I am filled with joy and gratitude—her memory reminds each of us to stay on purpose, remember family, and look out for the needs for others. I pray that as the years keep rolling forward, that the rest of us who knew her will continue to live in that same spirit, and maybe that our lives will be a small piece of encouragement to others as well.

#MyMomIsStrongBecause Happy #MothersDay

Over the last few days at Nuru, we have been posting photos of a few of our staff along with their mom's in honor of Mother's Day. Although my mom is no longer with us, I thought it would be a great way to honor her. I'm grateful for moments like this to pause, to remember, and to consider just a few of the ways she shaped our family and led us by example. My mom was the kind of person people wrote songs about. 

I could list a number of reasons why my mom is strong. She and my dad both worked full-time jobs to afford being able to bring up three children. Just like any mom, she wanted her children to be able to go forward and experience more than her--to have better opportunities, and so she and dad ensured all three of us kids finished high school. All three of us also went on to college as well.

Today, there is a growing movement of women entrepreneurs and women leading businesses. My mom was a pioneer in that regard. Not only was she a full-time employee, but also she started multiple successful businesses (again alongside my dad--they did everything together). My mom raised shih tzu and poodle pups and sold them as one form of additional income. She gave the pups all of their shots, clipped their tails, and for the shih tzu pups also clipped their duclaws. She also raised and sold birds (parakeets, cockatiels, budgerigars, finches, canaries, and parrots). We must have had more than 200 birds during the hay-day of that business. She ran the business, and dad built cages and nesting boxes for the growing menagerie. She used the extra money from the sale of puppies and birds to pay for school clothes and Christmas presents for all of us. 

Mom also taught us kids to be thankful for what we had, and to do our best to take care of it. Sometimes she made clothes for us and for our relatives, and if our clothes got holes in them, she would mend and patch the garments so we could get more life out of them. And, she and dad both encouraged us to do our best in school, and she also encouraged us to learn responsibility by having pets of our own. We had dogs, birds, cats, fish, and rabbits, and we had to share in making sure they were fed, watered, and cared for year round growing up. My mom and dad gave us kids a great example of what a local economy looks like. Every one of us had a contribution to make to the good of the whole household. And each of us kids were made available to do work for our neighbors growing up as well. Each of us understood very clearly that it was our role to contribute to the good of the house as well as to the community. 

Mom was a life-long learner. She taught herself about caring for all of these different species of birds and dogs, and she taught us kids these same skills at the same time. She taught herself how to knit, crochet, and sew, and she would always make sure she had baby blankets available to any other mom who was expecting, and spare scarves and gloves on hand just in case she ran into someone who didn't have any of their own. 

Any time one of us kids was doing something extracurricular, my mom was out supporting us and cheering us on. From choir to basketball and just about everything in between, she would make sure she had time to come out and support our efforts.

But it wasn't just my family who benefitted from my mom's love and support. She extended that love to cousins, neighbors, and any of our friends growing up. My best friend in the whole world, Willie, has two children who are now approaching adulthood. My mom loved Willie as a son, and in the eyes of Willie's children (as well as from my mom's perspective), she was a Grandma to them...and to a number of other children as well. Although she never held any formal positions of leadership, she was a wisdom-keeper, and a care-taker for many, many people. 

Mom was deeply committed to her rich Christian faith, and to her heritage as a Shawnee woman. She and dad both really enjoyed spending weekends on our tribal lands and strongly supported me as I was elected into positions of service in our tribal community. Many of the children of our tribe looked up to her, and she was always making time to listen to them and encourage them. 

She always took time to listen to and encourage us as well.

I remember about a month before she left this earth, I was visiting her in the hospital, and it was time for me to leave. I was driving to Morgantown so I could walk across the stage and receive my master's degree. I leaned over her to give her a hug, and said, "I'll try to make you proud Mom."

She grabbed my hand, and looked me in the eyes with her eyes filled with love and compassion and responded, "Every day you make me proud!"

That's just the kind of person she was. She was strong raising three children. She was strong running businesses and working full-time for very low wages. And she was strong as she stared down death after being diagnosed with cancer. She never let her present circumstances dictate what was possible for her or for any of us. She faced cancer with a smile and with hope. She faced her last hours encouraging strangers, and loving her family. 

All of us really miss her. We each strive to honor her legacy and the lessons she taught us through her strength, her compassion, and her service. I often fail, but I personally strive to be the warrior, the leader, and the servant that I saw her and dad exemplify--and that they believed I could be. 

As a kid, I don't think I ever fully appreciated the sacrifices my parents made to ensure that us kids had more opportunities than they did. But, better late than never. If you have an opportunity today, let your mom, and the world know why your mom is strong. Post online #MyMomIsStrongBecause or just tell your mom how she exemplifies strength. May we each aspire to be the sons and daughters that our moms dreamed was possible, and may we savor those precious moments we have been given to learn from our moms for the good of our own lives as well as the good of the world.

Oh, and that comment about my mom being someone people write songs about? Here's the song in its entirety. So grateful for Willie taking the time to write this and post it on YouTube.

Five Years

Today marks five years since my mom left this world and journeyed to be with Jesus. The time has passed so quickly. It really feels weird to think about how much my life and the life of my family has changed since she went home to be with Jesus. I wish she could have been around to see it all, and that she was still here with us, but she has gone on to a far better place. She no longer suffers the challenges of high blood pressure, type two diabetes, congestive heart failure or metastatic invasive carcinoma breast cancer. And when I list out all of those challenges she faced daily, it makes it even more impressive she stayed with us for as long as she did. 

In 2007, I cut a significant amount of my hair in honor of my mom, and in 2008, I cut the remainder of my locks in honor of her, and to mourn her loss as per our Shawnee tradition. I’ve not grown it back since. My brothers, Chuck and Willie, both made sacrifices of their locks as well. Chuck even shaved his mustache—a permanent fixture on his face since the 80s. Even Willie’s son Christian shaved his head in honor of my mom. Willie also wrote this beautiful song to honor and remember her upon her passing. It still brings tears to my eyes as the memories come flooding back of her courageous last days on this earth.

I started my first garden the year my mom died. Over the years, I’ve learned a lot through my dabblings in local agriculture, but more than anything, I’ve been reminded of lessons she and Dad taught me about planting, growing, harvesting, and hard work. Of course like any kid, I didn’t enjoy the discipline at the time, but I can look back with immense gratitude now.

And within a month of mom saying goodbye, I began to have serious conversations about global poverty and international development withmy longtime friends Jake Harriman and John Hancox. These conversations along with extensive reading and research on the subject, and much prayer, fasting, and wrestling, led me to a significant career change as I joined my friends as they started Nuru International. I’m grateful that I have been able to deepen my service to others, and invite more people to confront the crisis of extreme poverty in our world. I really wish mom could have been here to see what we have been able to accomplish in the five years since she died, but I am incredibly grateful my dad has been here cheering us on in this work.

And a little over a year ago, I got married. I wish my mom could have spent more time with Jamie. She’s absolutely incredible, and I think they would have absolutely loved each other. They are two of the best examples I know when it comes to compassion and caring for people around them.

And then there’s my sister. She left a ten year job at a doctor’s office to start a new career this year. Not only that, but my sister has become quite the runner. It seems like every weekend she is getting a new trophy or award for her running exploits. Since the year my mom went to be with Jesus, Becky has led our family in participation with the Wood County Relay For Life. Mom was never able to attend—the first year, she was in ICU. Little did we know she would be leaving so soon. And Becky had her own bout with cancer in 2007 too. Just a month after mom’s parting, she had a malignant melanoma removed. She’s a survivor.

Dad was walking twelve miles a day, and riding his bike 20-30 miles 2-3 times per week after mom died. And then in 2009, he had a massive heart attack. It was utterly unexpected. Dad has always been healthier than most people half his age. Since that attack he doesn’t walk twelve miles a day anymore, but he is probably in better shape and eating better than ever before. As much as we kids miss mom, Dad lost his best friend of 43 years. Dad continues to be an example of generosity and compassion to others too. He supports Becky at virtually every race she runs, and he maintains his garden the way he has done for years and gives away significant portions of its bounty.

My brother, well he is still working in the same job, but his level of responsibility keeps increasing. He’s an extremely talented engineer. And he lives and loves sacrificially with his time. He’s up at 430AM virtually every day to drive himself and several coworkers to work and stays up late to make sure dogs are walked and chores are done. And further, his son has graduated high school and is a student at Notre Dame (not WVU, but still not a bad education).

And in the last five years, each one of us has grown in our faith as well as in our service to others. My dad just recently took the steps to join his church and was baptized the same day.

On Mom's last trip to the hospital, my sister, dad, and I spent the day with her, and I left the hospital to drive to Morgantown to receive my MA in English. I leaned down to hug her and told her, “I’ll try to make you proud tomorrow mom.” As I stood up, she looked at me with her eyes filled of compassion, as she breathed deeply from the oxygen tube running under her nose. She smiled and said, “Every day you make me proud.” Those words echo in my mind every time I think of her. She loved each one of us well, and she showed us by example, even during her last days, how to love the people who cross our paths in seemingly random ways.

I wish mom was still with us, but one day we will reunite with much rejoicing. And until that day, we will labor, and dedicate the remainder of our days to love God and love others well, and to work to serve our neighbors both locally and globally. I know that if she were here, she would continue to be so proud of each of us. I know she would be cheering us on alongside Dad, and she would be cheering Dad on as he maintains his health and faith so well.

Wherever and whoever you are, you have an opportunity today to make a choice. You and I have an opportunity each day to pour out a legacy of hope and compassion, to wisely steward the gifts we have been given, to love well, and to live well. And I pray we may live as an example worth imitating as we walk this earth, just like Mom.

Remembering Mom Three Years Later

My best friend in the whole world, Willie wrote and recorded this song on youtube to honor my mom shortly after she went to be with Jesus on June 6, 2007. It's hard to believe it's been three years since she laughed with us, or told stories about our family and our heritage, hugged us, or shared her wisdom.

This morning I went through some old blog posts and journals because sometimes time seems to take the vividness out of focus. As I began reading and watching Willie's video I wept. I wept because of the brokenness we experience in this world, and the sense of loss that we all feel on this side of the veil when a loved one leaves this world.

It's good to take time to remember. I remember two years ago, on the one year anniversary of my mom's leaving of this world to be with Jesus that I made the decision to cut my hair, and leave it short. I remember also taking a day to be away and remember, reflect, grieve, and rejoice. Rejoicing at someone's death could seem a bit morbid, hateful, or sadistic. I don't rejoice my mom's death in the sense that many think of it. I rejoice that she is free from cancer, from diabetes, from arthritis, and from pain. I rejoice that she is in the presence of Jesus, the One who loves her (and us) with a love deeper than we can even imagine on this earth.

I still grieve too. At relay for life this year, I found myself choking down tears when I saw her luminaries. They were just some candles in paper bags with my mom's name written on them, but they elicited so much emotion from me. When I saw her name and in memory, I think every memory I had of her flooded my mind all at once. I think it started with the relay for life in 2007 for which my sister and I organized a team. My mind went to the hopes we had back then that my mom would beat cancer, and that she would walk a lap as a survivor in 2008 like my uncles and my sister were able to do. Then I found myself confronted with the reality that I will never see her again in this life, and that made me sad. Not only because she is my mother, but because she is also one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever known.

As I sit here reflecting, I can't help but be filled with hope as well. My mom, will be better than I could ever remember her when I see her again. She will be more beautiful, more loving, and more filled with joy. But that day is not now.

And so now, I strive to imitate the qualities I saw in her and loved while in this world. And it's ironic, because even those qualities were just shadows of the fullness that we find in God himself. My friend Trey once said something like this--when we see or experience something that gives us great joy, it's like we are seeing the handiwork of God, and that God is shining through that thing.

Aa the writer of the book of Hebrews reminds us, "Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith."

May we all cherish the opportunities that are given to us on this earth to allow God to shine through us, to bring others joy, and to love deeply.

Wood County Relay For Life 2009

Today marks the third year we've had a team involved in the Wood County Relay for Life. The purpose of the event, as think about it, is manifold.

It serves as an opportunity for the community to come together on a large scale to make a difference in a major healthcare problem. In Wood County alone, nearly $200,000 has already been raised to help fund research and progress toward a cure for cancer.

It brings survivors and fighters, friends and family members, together to encourage and inspire one another.

It offers a time of reflection to remember those who have died as they fought tenaciously against this disease.

Beyond this, it is one of the few times during our busy lives that it feels like we can come together to experience community in a special way.

If you are in the area, you should come join us at some point. Even if you can't make it out for the event, you can still join our team or donate by clicking that link.

For my family, we remember the loss of my Aunt Carolyn and my mom. We also remember that my sister, my Uncle Bill, Uncle Kenny, and Uncle Russell are all cancer survivors. It's a reminder that more and more people are winning the fight. For my friends, some celebrate personal victories, mourn personal losses, and remember family and friends who are still fighting heartily against this enemy.

Who knows? Maybe I'll see you walking this weekend.

Remembering

Off To Be With Jesus, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Today marks one year since my mom left this earth. It doesn't really seem like a year has gone by. It doesn't really seem real.

But it is real. One year ago, my brother called early in the morning to tell us that mom wasn't being really responsive. He had stayed the night in the room with her during her last night on this earth.

I imagine everyone in my family is experiencing today a little differently. A year ago, we were all together. This year we are spread from coast to coast in our own separate spaces.

So today, I am spending some time reflecting. I imagine everyone in our family will do it some. The last words she said to me were, "I love you," as I left her and my brother on the evening of the 5th. Those are words that will echo with me for years.

On the day before my graduation, I whispered in her ear, "I'll try to make you proud mom." At that point just a few weeks before she went to be with Jesus when she was having tremendous difficulty breathing, she responded, "Every day you make me proud."

My mom loved us. My mom is one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever known. And I not only knew her, but I got to hang out with her. Lots.

I miss her. My family misses her. If you knew her, you probably miss her too! She was that kind of a person. The kind of person people write songs about. The kind of person people cherish.

But she is with Jesus now. I can't even begin to imagine the applause of the saints as she went to be with her savior. I bet it was awesome. I bet it was awesome seeing her healthy and cancer free. I bet it was awesome hearing her creator say, "Well done, you good and faithful servant." I bet it was awesome as she was greeted on her departure from this world.

For us, it was awesome too. We grieve, but we rejoice for her. We share stories about her. We laugh, we cry, and at times we want to talk with her, but for now there is silence in response. She is no longer with us--she is in the presence of the Creator of the universe. She no longer sees through the mirror dimly.

In this culture we ilve in, grieving is difficult. I mean, it's never easy, but it seems like there is no space for such things. At times it feels like our lives carry a blistering pace. Like there is no space to slow down. Today, I plan to take some time to grieve, to remember, to reflect, and to rejoice for my mom, and for the goodness of the Creator in the middle of a sin soaked world.

Thanks for any prayers you offer up on behalf of me and my family. They are appreciated during this time, and at all times.

Relay Luminaries

Relay Luminaries, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Well, Relay-for-life has come and gone, and it has been a flurry of activity ever since. This year, one of my hopes for last year came true.

I had hoped that a large contingent from our community of H2O in Morgantown would join in the event in Parkersburg. Last year it just didn't work out for a number of people. But this year, in spite of high gas prices, we had a wonderful group of people come and rally around the event.

One of my favorite parts of the relay event is the lighting of the luminaries after dark. There's something powerful about seeing lights all around the city park pond either honoring or memorializing people who have fought against cancer. It's such an ugly disease, but it is truly beautiful to see people fight and overcome it.

Last year, my mom was in ICU and had just been taken off a ventilator when we lit luminaries in her honor. I had hoped that our participation in the relay would be a shot in the arm and a boost of morale for her--I think it was.

This year, as we walked we remembered her. We remembered her fight, as well as the fights of many others. For me, it was a very strange feeling being at the relay event this year. Mom is with Jesus now. Cancer is still a problem, but more and more people are winning the battle against it.

I miss my mom a lot. I miss her wisdom and counsel. I miss her laughter and her care. I miss watching tv with her while she would knit or make something with her hands. I miss her fearlessness, even in the face of cancer.

So Friday night we lit some candles to remember her. I was so hopeful last year for her return to health. I think all of us around her were.

It's strange how our society get's weird about the idea of grief. I grieve the loss of my mom, but I also rejoice. I'm saddened by her departure, but I'm overjoyed at her arrival before our King.

May we all walk through this life with that perfect mixture of sadness over the way things are, and hope for the way things one day WILL be. More than that, may our hope motivate us to be a sign of that change right here in the present.

The Non-Conformist: In the Lion's Den

The Non-Conformist-In the Lion's Den, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

This week finished up our last series at h2o for the year. We took a three week survey of the book of daniel, and ended by looking at daniel in the lions den.

How in the world did Daniel end up in a lions den? If you read the book of Daniel, it seems like he constantly finds himself in the kings favor. Two weeks ago we talked about how he refused to eat the King's diet and compromise in that way, and how he and his friends were set apart from their peers by their excellence. Last week, we talked about how his friends ended up in a fiery furnace for refusing to bow before an idol of the King, and we also heard about how God delivered them.

But this week, this week Daniel ends up in a lion's den. It doesn't seem fair. Daniel is an old man by this time, and the king seems to really like him. But there were others who resented Daniel. They resented Daniel, not because he was a bad person, but because he wasn't. They resented him because they couldn't find fault with him. The only way they could find fault was in the way he followed God.

They tried to get him in trouble for following God. Seems kind of silly doesn't it? Wouldn't it be amazing if we led that kind of life though? What if people who could find no fault with Christians except that we followed our God zealously? Personally I think that would be amazing!

As we end this series called the non-conformist, I want to encourage you to be a non-conformist when it comes to this world and it's way of doing things. Let's strive to set ourselves apart--not by our weird Christian insider language, and the fact that we tote Bibles around, but because we are passionately pursuing God.

I'll point out one other thing. Daniel's obedience to God landed him in the den of lions. Sometimes we get this weird idea that we won't undergo persecution or hardship when we are following Christ. God didn't deliver Daniel from the lions den--but he did deliver Daniel in the lions den. Sometimes we have to go through some major difficulties in this world.

I think about my mom in this instance. God didn't save her from cancer, but instead he delivered her right in the middle of cancer. He walked right with her through every difficult step. And because of that truth--my mom was able to bless many with her story. She's with Jesus now--He came and met her in the middle of the cancer, and He brought her home.

When you see trials coming your way, it's the natural tendency of all of us to avoid them if at all possible--I'm sure Daniel didn't want to be in the lions den. At the same time, there are just some things we cannot do--we can not compromise our faith in our King to secure a better spot in this world.

Let's honor God with our lives, and trust him to walk with us in those challenging times. He has the power to deliver us, and in the end no matter what the outcome in this world, our truelife will be better for it when we resist the urge to compromise.

I'm Yours

When I woke up this morning, I was going to blog about something different. I had the title, and the subject picked out, but for some reason, I felt prompted to watch this youtube video that my best friend on the planet made last summer. You see, I'm going to be speaking on Daniel and the Lion's Den this Sunday during our last h2o of the year, and as I was thinking about Daniel, I started thinking about my buddy Willie, and the incredible song he wrote for my mom. I posted this song once before, right after I heard it the first time, but I hope you will indulge me in this repetition of something that I believe is a true testimony to a beautiful life of faith in King Jesus.

You may already know this, but my mom went to be with Jesus on June 6, 2007 at 1.10PM. She fought cancer and a number of other ailments tenaciously, and through all of the pain, she never stopped loving and blessing others around her. If you want to read more about her last few days in the hospital, I recommend reading my archives from may and june of last year in particular. I actually took some time and read them again this morning.

This song really portrays vividly the last few days we were able to spend with my mom on this side of the veil. It also describes in detail the simple life of faith in Jesus that we are called to live. This morning, I've found myself walking around the house driving around town, and generally doing my daily routine with this chorus echoing in my mind. "I'm Yours!"

I miss my mom, and it is good to re-visit the past, and remember all of the times--both difficult and joyful. This song carries me back into the hospital and the times we spent sitting with her, laughing with her, sharing stories, and loving and being loved.

As you read this blog, and listen to this song, I ask you to reflect on where you are with Jesus. My mom was radically changed by her faith in Jesus, and it made even metastatic breast cancer seem trivial in comparison to the greatness of His love toward her and the overwhelming abundance of love she had to give even as she spent her last moments with us.

May you know Him, and may His love flow through you so that you can join the chorus of the saints who have sung with Daniel, Stephen, Willie, and my mom, "I'm Yours, I'm Yours, forever and always I will be Yours!"

Remembering Mom

Remembering Mom, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Today is my mom's birthday. I started thinking about it a bit yesterday. I went to Washington DC to connect with a few old friends and to see WVU play Maryland.

It was kind of a weird experience for me. I took the metro into DC to meet up with a couple of friends, and I got there around 4PM. The last time I was in DC, I went to the Georgetown/WVU basketball game with some friends. As I got off the metro and emerged from the station, I started walking.

I realized as I walked that the last time I was in DC, it was around the same time of day, and in the same place. I remember calling my mom while I was there then. My dad was out walking, and she had ridden her exercise bike like 2 miles that day. We laughed and joked and celebrated her victory in the world of exercise. Times were a lot different.

Yesterday, I felt a sweeping sadness as I walked on the same sidewalks, and thought, "I really want to talk to my mom." There was a farmer's market in the city, and I thought, "I could get her some flowers for a birthday present, but . . ."

So today, I've been kind of sad, I just miss her. Yesterday, my brother and I talked briefly about Mom and he said something so beautiful I want to share it with you. He said that Mom was a little bigger than the average person, and we were often concerned about that being a potential health problem. But then he said that she probably had to have a bigger body because her heart was so HUGE, and that was the only way to contain it.

I think that's the thing I miss most of all. My mom's big heart. I miss the example of Christ she was in so many people's lives, including my own. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face.

When walked around DC, it seemed like there wasn't enough time available for me to thoroughly process all of the emotion I was feeling, but writing this blog has been a start.

In the end, I know she is much better off. She is eternally in the fullness of the presence of King Jesus. Cancer can no longer weaken her huge heart, and she is even more radiantly beautiful than she ever was as i knew her.

I'm thankful for the example she has given me, my friends, and family to follow in loving people. May our hearts, though in different bodies, imitate her Christlike love for people as a way of honoring her and our gracious loving God in whose presence she now lives.

A Song for Billy's Mom

Last weekend, I met up with my best friend (brother) on the planet, Willie and his family in Wheeling, WV before going to see Brett Cain.

We went to the Ohio River and ate Di Carlo's Pizza. We walked along the river, and we prayed together. It was a beautiful time as we mourned and rejoiced together and enjoyed the sunset on the Ohio.
At one point Willie left and grabbed his guitar and out of his van. Then he shared this beautiful song that he wrote for my mom to honor her.

I wept incredibly as I listened to the lyrics because not only were they filled with love and honor, but many of them walked me through memories of the last few days we had with Mom.

While Willie is a little disappointed in the quality of the video/recording, I believe it is an incredible gift.
As He brought out the guitar and the lyrics, I thought to myself, "My mom is the kind of person that people write songs about!" And she is!

I love and miss my mom, but I'm overwhelmed with Joy that through it all she pointed us all to her King Jesus. Now she's with Him!

The chorus of this song is my favorite, because it is one that we can all make very personal and sing to Jesus. "I'm yours!"
If you haven't made this decision already, I pray you will read this blog, listen to this song, and tell Jesus that you are His! It's the best decision you will ever make--of that truth, I'm incredbly sure.

If you already know Jesus, maybe this song can be a reminder to you and an encouragement, and a point of rededication--to be His.

I really hope you enjoy this beautiful song, and I am soooo thankful to my brother Willie for writing and sharing it with the world!

Myrrh

Myrrh, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Yesterday was mom's funeral. You know it was so amazing to see so many of my friends come out and show support for me and my family, and to pay a tribute to mom.

My best friend in the whole world, Willie, was one of the pall bearers. Before the funeral service, he came up and gave me a bag with some small stones in it. I asked him what was in the bag, and he said it was myrrh, and that he had been wanting me to have it for a long time to be able to burn at times when I pray.

When he gave it to me I had a couple of thoughts. I took out one piece of myrrh from the bag for my dad, my brother, my sister, and myself. I explained to my family a little bit about the use of myrrh in Jesus' day.

You see, when Jesus was born, wise men from the east brought him gold, frankincense, and myrrh. The gold reflected Jesus's royalty--He is King of the Jews. The frankincense reflected his divinity--He is God in the flesh. The myrrh symbolized his humanity--Myrrh was used in burial preparations for those who passed away. The myrrh given to Jesus pointed to His eventual crucifixion where He conquered sin and death.

My mom is going to be cremated. I suggested to my family that we each place a piece of myrrh on her body, and it would be one last way we could annoint and honor my mom. As she is cremated the myrrh will burn and we will have honored our mom in a very special way. We each placed the myrrh on her body solemnly and reverently before her funeral service saturday afternoon.

As I thought about these special preparations, I realized that my mom was also blessed as my sister, her best friend, and my sister-in-law had a special evening with my mom the last night she was in this world. They took fragrant lotion and moisturized mom's skin with it as they shared a "girls night" with her. I don't think any of us realized what they were actually doing that night. They were preparing mom's body in a similar way to the woman who poured out the spike nard on Jesus. What they did was a good thing, and it deserves to be told again.

We're all going to miss my mom, but I'm glad that each one of us could honor her in some very ancient and special ways. She is a beautiful lady, and we have been blessed to be able to serve and honor her in beautiful ways even after she has departed from us.

May we all remember those who have gone before us, and live faithfully honoring the One who went before each of us to conquer the sting of death and give us victory and life eternal.

Off To Be With Jesus

Off To Be With Jesus, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Yesterday at 1:10PM, my mom left her body on this earth, and went to be with Jesus. My brother had spent the night in her room with her, and called the rest of us to come down because she wasn’t being real responsive.

We came down and sat with her from about 9AM on. We prayed with her and talked with her, and told her how much we will love and miss her. We shared memories with her as she lay there before us. One by one, aunts, uncles, cousins and close friends gathered by my mom’s side and spoke words of love to her. She was sent off with prayers and words of love from so many people. (As I tried to recount this to you, I started weeping because it was such a beautiful experience, and I can’t fully convey to you in this brief blog exactly what was happening in my mom’s presence.)

Her room was packed. People were trailing out the hallway. She was loved by so many people. We’re all going to miss her, but we were all mixing tears of sadness with tears of joy in that room as we spoke to my mom. My mom is with Jesus right now. She doesn’t have cancer, or arthritis, or any number of other ailments that were afflicting her. She has joy unlike any we’ve ever experienced.

Watching my mom pass out of this world and into the presence of God, I am so thankful that we are a people of hope. The gospel allows us to persevere in hope for a day when there are no more tears, no more hunger, and all of the injustice in the world we see will be made right.

My mom is gone, but she has left a wonderful legacy and challenge to us as a family as we attempt to imitate her faith, hope, and love—and to tell others of the joy she, and we, have found in joyful surrender to King Jesus.

I’ve had a great deal of technical difficulty communicating with people over the last day, but I figured I might be able to use this blog as a starting point. Even as early as yesterday afternoon, I started receiving emails, txts, AIM’s, and voicemails of encouragement from many wonderful people. It has been unfortunate that I haven’t been able to respond to everyone’s encouraging words, but I am so thankful for your kindness, your prayers, and your support in this difficult time. It’s beautiful to see how the Church rallies at times like this to love and care for those in need and to bear one another’s burdens.

I know some are wondering about arrangements, and I would like to communicate that through this blog. The details of her obituary can be found by following this link and clicking on Patricia Ann Williams (that's Mom!). You can even sign an “online guestbook” through the funeral home.

I’m tremendously grateful again for the grace God has shown my family throughout my mom’s battle with cancer. As she told a fellow believer when they were both diagnosed—“No matter what happens, we win!!!” Indeed we are more than conquerors!

Thanks for continuing in support and prayers for me and my family. Please forgive me for an apparent lack of response, but I truly do appreciate your comments, emails, AIMs, txts, and voicemails. They are a blessing to both me and my entire family.

Roller Coaster

Roller Coaster, originally uploaded by Markku_.

I found this photo on flickr, and I believe it represents a strong similarity how we’ve been feeling back here over the last couple of days.

Well, it’s been a couple of days since I could blog about what’s happening here. I’m so grateful for the ability to keep in touch with so many people through this blog. It’s been difficult to stay connected as well as I would like with folks, but this blog certainly helps. In fact, a few folks have left some wonderful comments that have been an encouragement to me and the family.

Overall, my mom is doing amazingly well. We were prepared for her to go be with Jesus the moment we removed the chest tube. Saturday she shared one of the longest and most spiritual monologues I’ve ever heard my mom utter. She shared a vision she had experienced of heaven. We were all deeply moved to say the least. We reassured her that if she felt like going off to be with Jesus we were all going to be ok. She said that she knew it, but didn’t want us to send her off just yet. She said she wanted to stick around a while longer if that was alright. We emphatically assured her it was fine with us!

Sunday, we continued sharing stories, and laughing. I even had a couple of friends come down from Morgantown and offer prayers and counsel for the family. Saturday night, we started a rotating shift of folks staying in the room with mom. We just wanted to have constant care for her. I’ve stayed here two of the last three nights.

Nobody expected mom to respond so well. In fact, the hospital moved her into a “Transitional Care Unit” yesterday. It’s the equivalent of an in-house nursing home at the hospital site for people who are “to healthy to be in the hospital, but not quite strong enough to be at home yet.”

She started a fairly intense PT regimen today. She will be getting assistance twice a day. My brother and I started a log to keep track of medical reports/needs so as we “change shifts” we can make sure that none of her needs are overlooked by the staff here.

So what’s up with the roller coaster? I would say that over the last few days, our entire family has run through a wide spectrum of intense emotions. We still aren’t sure of mom’s status,but we get the feeling that the physicians aren’t quite sure what to make of her either. I think rotating in shifts has been helpful, but we are all pretty tired—which makes me incredibly glad to see how well mom’s doing.

In spite of our physical, emotional, and mental fatigue, we are staying close together and loving and supporting one another through every step of my mom’s journey—we have been together in this since day one. While we’ve all experienced the thrills and the twists and turns of the roller coaster, spiritually we have been sustained amazingly through all of this. Regardless of the outcome too, we are each realizing more and more, the treasure that we have in our mom, and the importance of each moment.

It’s kind of like Jesus said, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” We’ve all been resting and trusting in the Messiah in increasing degrees of the last few days. He truly is our strength and shield. I hope that as you read this you will also take a moment to let Jesus words soak into your mind. In the middle of life’s roller coasters, He is THE Source of stability and strength. May you know His peace in the same richness we have experienced here in our own situation.

Support and Family

Support and Family, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

This year, I knew I would be staying in Morgantown for the summer working on getting our café ready for the fall, and developing our leaders in the community of h2o. As a result, I decided to try my hand at planting a garden.

Among the different seeds I planted were corn, beans, and squash. Among, American Indian people (at least from my own Shawnee culture but I've heard the practice is widespread), these three crops are planted together. Typically, when non-indian people think of "Indian food", they think of corn, beans, and squash.

According to tradition, there's a reason these are planted together. They are called the "three sisters" and they help each other grow. You see, the corn takes nitrogen from the soil as it grows. Beans provide nitrogen for the soil, and so they add to the nutrient base of the corn. The squash has broad leaves that spread over the ground and eliminate competition from other weeds that would try to hurt the other two sisters.

There's a lot we can learn from these three sisters. As my family has been walking through my mom's illness together, we have often relied on one another's gifts and strengths to support each other and support Mom. Yesterday, we took her off the ventilator, and it was a really scary and traumatic experience for all of us. The nurse explained to us that she may go on to be with Jesus in a matter of seconds or days.

We stayed there with her and told her how much we loved her, and that whatever she wanted to do would be fine with us. If she wanted to go be with Jesus, we were all ok with it, but we would miss her. We wept and prayed with her, and she is currently in a different room in the hospital--after nearly three weeks she is out of ICU.

Now she can have multiple visitors, and people can stay longer hours with her. We are so thankful for the grace God has given us in allowing my mom to stay with us and share time with us.

In the middle of it all, I am personally very thankful for the love and support we as a family have shown each other through it all. We have prayed, wept, and loved each other strongly through the Spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ who indwells each one of us. We have walked through many difficult decisions together, and in the middle of it all we know that it is God who sustains and supports us and causes our growth, but it sure is beautiful to be reminded that He has given us each other to contribute in unique ways as we grow and to support one another, just like the Three Sisters.

Palm Trees

Palm Trees, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

I've been having some difficulties with my camera recently, and so this picture comes from a trip I took to visit my brother a few years ago in southern California. Or SoCal for you west coast insiders. ;)

You may have been wondering about my mom's current status and how she and my family are doing. I'll try to share with you, but please forgive me if my writing is not fully coherent. Yesterday evening, I made a quick trip down to Parkersburg to meet with her oncologist. He shared her condition with my dad, me, my sister, and my brother-in-law. (My brother is currently in California). She has been on a ventilator since Sunday. It appears that her body has grown somewhat dependent on it.

Last August, you may remember, she was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. She was given 6 months to live w/o treatment and 18 mo with treatment. Honestly, she was making amazing progress with regard to her cancer. But cancer has not been her only malady. On top of the cancer, a combination of high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, congestive heart failure, and some form of heart disease have been combining to cause her to become very weak. She has been in ICU since may 13th, and has been in a very weak condition for over a month.

It has been a very difficult time for me and my family, and we have prayed fervently for wisdom, guidance, and healing in this situation (I know that you also may have been praying similar prayers in agreement). Right now my mom's body is very fragile, and she probably doesn't have much time left on this earth before she goes to be with Jesus. While I am sad at the loss of my mom, I'm also extremely happy because I know that being with Christ is far better (phil 1.21-23). She has labored well for her King, and I am excited for her to be able to go home.

Sometime this evening, I am travelling to Columbus, OH to pick up my brother at the airport. His flight arrives @5.49AM Thursday. We will travel back to Parkersburg to spend time with my mom and assist my dad with whatever arrangements need to be made.

May has been a difficult month for many in our community at h2o, but the LORD has sustained us. Often when I am praying for you, I am amazed by your faith and perseverance--it is truly an encouragement to me. Personally, as I have reflected on my own situation, I have found solace in the truth that God is good and trustworthy, and He takes the adversity we go through and makes something beautiful out of it. I think that in spite of all that we have undergone, we have a beautiful community called the church that even in our weakness grows stronger each day.

I want to thank you again for taking the time to pray for my family. Continue to pray for God's wisdom, guidance, and healing as we navigate these difficult waters. Pray that God would be glorified by our actions and attitudes and that in the midst of it all that God would use our circumstances and our responses to lead others to Him.

For from Him, and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen.
(Romans 11.36)

Ohio River Sunset

Ohio River Sunset, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

It never fails. Any time I try to get word out for people to check my blog out for updates on thngs that are happening in my life it seems that I have a really hard time blogging for about a week from that point.

So here I am, running around all over and trying to carve out space to blog. I thought this would make a nice little photo because it depicts one of my favorite places in the world. This is the view from "the point", just outside the floodwall in Parkersburg, West Virginia. For generations, my family has come to this place to watch the sun set, to pray, to reflect, to weep, and to enjoy the company of the waters.

The old timers called this river several names, but I think the french named it rightly La Belle Rivière, or, the Beautiful River. I took this photo when I visited the river with two of my uncles last fall--they are both cancer survivors.

Right now, I'm at home, near my river, and near family. The doctors involved with my mom met to talk about possible options for her. Soon they will share their options with us, and we will weigh out which one seems best for my mom. Right now, we believe they are going to suggest moving her to a more comprehensive cancer treatment center--possibly the James Center at Ohio State or the Mary Babb Randolph Cancer Center at WVU.

I am so thankful for the prayers that have gone out from you, and I ask that you keep them up. They are sustaining us. Please pray for us as we go to meet with the doctor. I will try to post an update in the near future.

It's interesting to me in the middle of all of this how God shows himself at work in such amazing ways. As I left the hospital with my sister this evening, I couldn't help but notice another beautiful sunset. God shows us these little signs of beauty and care like sunsets on a river. God is beautiful, and reminds us daily of the beauty in our world.

So much of our days we spend running from appointment to appointment, and event to event, and we miss out on the rich blessings God offers freshly every moment. As you pray, take time to cherish the rich blessings God is revealing all around you right . . . NOW!

Relay for Life

Relay for Life, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

This picture was taken 2 years ago when my folks and I were able to take a whirlwind tour of disney's theme parks thanks to the generosity of a friend who worked there.

But that's not what this post is about. It's about the upcoming relay for life in Parkersburg. The event is scheduled for May 18-19, and I'm putting a team together to support my mom and three of my uncles.

I would love for you to be part of the action. If you click this link, you can see our team page. When you get to the page, click the link that says join our team. The rest should be pretty self explanatory. Let me know if you have any difficulties.

Thanks for helping out, and even if you can't join the team and be there, your prayers are definitely appreciated!!! Mom starts her third round of chemotherapy on the fifteenth, so we are hoping she will have some energy for the weekend too! She's gonna be taking Paclitaxel (which is a drug we used to make when i was at Mylan--pretty wild!)

Anyhoo, I've been down here with her for a couple of days. She hasn't felt like posing for the camera over the last month, so I haven't had any recent photos. But, I will tell you that she has a totally sweet spiked hairdo--mom's just so trendy!

Thanks again for taking the time to check out the link, join the team, and pray!

Brothers

More Brothers, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

One of the best things about this whole cancer challenge is the fact that my family has been so tight through it all. I took this picture of my dad and another one of my uncles this afternoon after he visited my mom for a bit. I love getting together with my family, because we can always find something to laugh about. Laughter is healing. I'm grateful for so many wonderful relatives who taught me from a young age the importance of laughter and the importance of stories.

The uncle in this picture is the one I am named after--he's my uncle Bill. I'm Billy though. That's how you tell us apart. He's another one of my relatives who has kicked cancer's booty.

My family has survived a lot of crazy stuff. Back in the day when Indians received smallpox infested blankets, somehow some of my ancestors survived. We keep on keepin' on. We refuse to give up or give in. In the word's of Joe Dirt, "You gotta not have no in your heart!" We don't lay down easy--we "Endeavor to persevere." (Quote from The Outlaw Josey Wales. Now cancer has tried to come after many of my relatives, but we are fighting the good fight together as we pray for and love one another.

My mom is the latest in that tradition. She's a fighter and she is mega-stubborn. I like it--it explains a lot about me. (By the way--my dad and everyone else in my family are the same way).

So my mom had both of her kidneys blocked yesterday, and she had minor surgery to open up the flow. I think she drained something like 6-8 Liters of fluid in the last 24 hours. She was breathing easier today, but she is pretty tired. She's been through a lot the last few days as well as the last few months. Even amid this fatigue and weakness, she mustered the fortitude to sit up in a chair for a bit this evening. I imagine she will be able to come home soon, but we still have a cloud of uncertainty about that.

Tomorrow more answers should be provided, but for now we wait. We wait to find out what caused the blockage of her kidneys. We wait to find out what is going on with the large rash on her right breast. We wait to find out what the next steps are we should take. And most importantly, we wait on the sovereign LORD to direct us and the doctors in the next step of the journey.

Please join with us in prayer and in waiting.

Mom's Love

Mom's Love, originally uploaded by chanchanchepon.

Nothing is quite like the love of a mother is it? Doesn't my mom look absolutely beautiful? Yesterday I went home for the morning to get some work done on my car, and more importantly, to visit my family (even if it was only for a couple of hours).

It was pretty cool hanging out with her and Dad in the morning. We were even able to have some lunch together--she made some home made beef and vegetable soup--it was delicious!!!

She's starting to grow her hair back, but it's still too short for her liking, so she insisted on the do-rag for this picture.

It was really cool while I was there because she set a personal record for distance on the exercise bike. She has been riding pretty regularly, and she rode 2.7 miles yesterday!!! For you cyclists, that may not seem like a big deal, but my mom has never really exercised--it's huge!!! I'm so stinkin' proud of her. And to tell you the truth, I think she can go further than that. I'm really excited about the difference exercise is making in her life right now.

She and Dad are on their way back to our "mountain chalet" to celebrate her recent test results. They've packed up their fishing rods, and are going for a one day trip to our not so secret stream (which was just stocked yesterday btw!). She is kicking cancer's booty--and I'm lovin' it!!! Her tumor has shrunk, pretty significantly in my estimation. It has gone from an 11.9 to a 2.9 SUV ( I have no idea what that means, but I understand ratios, and that to me means that this tumor is about 1/4 it's size at the time of her last scan in November.)

There is some fluid around her lung though, so she is going to have an ultrasound and find out those results in a couple of weeks. Thanks soooo much for continuing to pray for her, and for our family!